I had a doctors appointment this morning. Nothing serious, more of a check up. But trying to schedule an appointment when your working hours for the summer are 7:30am to 6pm was a little difficult. First I thought I would go in to work late with my appointment early in the morning but the more I thought about it the more I leaned towards just taking the whole day off and so I did. Here are my thought while I sit on the beach on my day off:

When I gave birth to my first 3 children I used a midwife practice for my prenatal care and deliveries. The midwives were wonderful and very low intervention/low risk pregnancies. I chose to have the epidural with Thomas and hated the after effects of it so when I was approaching labor with my next 2 children I kept an open mind and told myself I would try to deliver without pain meds but it was an option should I change my mind. I didn’t change my mind, I didn’t use pain meds and Alyssa and Lelly were wonderful births. I was up and about right after I had them, no waiting for anything to wear off and no side effects. That was my experience. With Samantha I was pregnant after 2 miscarriages and chose to go to a male obstetrician who was the midwives back up doctor. I adored him and I can’t imagine me getting better care from anyone else. I gave birth to Samantha without medication or interventions as well.

Presently, being at a time in my life where I still requirement care for issues that woman have to deal with I’ve had experiences with both men and woman practitioners. And personally at this stage of life I prefer a woman doctor. The doctor I saw this morning was a woman and absolutely incredible. She explained every little detail of my visit and had a very gentle touch. She cared about what was going on and the procedures she needed to do.

I’ve heard conflicting experiences from close friends. Some who say woman doctors are cold and uncaring and also those that say the same about male doctors practicing within a woman’s specialty field. I feel as though I’ve experienced the best of both worlds. I’m not a male doctor hater, far from it. I used to love to have a health visit with nurse practitioners. They were usually kind, extremely thorough and gentle both in touch and mannerism. However the last 3 times I’ve used an NP for either myself or one of my children I was highly disappointed in the care we received. Talk about cold and condescending. I was so so surprised. I’m not painting all doctors male or female with the same brush nor do I feel all NP’s are cold practitioners. These have just been my recent experiences and mo one was more surprised than me. I am very open minded.

There are many times I post in my blog and I really wonder if anyone’s reading it. I suppose that could be thought of by anyone who writes something for the world to see. Thank you all to those who responded to my last post and thank you also for the “congratulations” I received for passing the certification exam. I really appreciate every single one.

It’s mid morning Sunday as I write this. My week days are so long with working the after school program I’m happy to do nothing or just catch up with laundry on the weekends. Yesterday Samantha and I hit the thrift and did well so that was really nice. I vacuumed yesterday, it was glorious if you can believe it. One of our dogs is half golden retriever/ half golden lab and she’s a blonde so you can only imagine the shedding we try to keep up with. She’s an amazing, sweet girl so she’s worth it.

Since it’s Sunday Thomas will be coming over. He only wants to visit on Sunday. I would say that it is odd but it’s soooo Thomas. I have no idea if Lelly or Samantha will be home for dinner so it looks like it could be just him and I. And that’s ok. 2 weeks ago it was Thomas’ birthday, he turned 26 years old. I seriously wonder when that happened. His childhood into adolescence; as his parents, was one great, not so pleasant roller coaster. It’s only in the past say 8 years aside from him being a baby that I really enjoy him. And even then there are some Sundays where he’s so high maintenance I’m done after those few hours. I love him, he’s “mine” as I’ve declared so many times but he’s Thomas. It’s funny because I’ve been told by many different people how polite he is, great manners, that he is really a nice person, that he’s not mean. I appreciate all that. And of course grateful to get feedback that he isn’t “mean.” However as his mother I didn’t get to experience what a nice person he is until fairly recently. All the violence he displayed to me was due to him being mentally ill and primarily brain damaged. In other words it wasn’t his fault. I know that logically but living through what I’ve experienced from him caused harm that took a long time to heal from.

So today I’ll pick up my son and we’ll hit up TJ Maxx so he can spend gift cards Thomas received for his birthday. At first he blatantly said he didn’t want the gift cards; Thomas is well aware what a gift card is (thanks kid…) but I think it sunk in that he could go shopping with his own money and he eventually changed his mind. He now wants me to take him to TJ maxx today. Thomas likes to shop. And if he’s not doing the shopping he will be more than happy to enable and encourage you to buy whatever it is you are on the fence about purchasing. It’s actually fun to go shopping with him. He picks out his own clothes and he chooses nice things (thank God). He has no issue with trying clothes on either. It’s sweet that I get to spend time with this nice guy I raised.

I’m working at my school this summer as I’ve mentioned before. I was hoping for an after school program to open up for extra hours. Unexpectedly an opportunity fell in my lap, I couldn’t believe it. I work at my school from 8 am to 2:30, travel 10 minutes to another school that is participating in an after school program and there are D75 students attending. I’m at the after school program from 3pm to 6pm. However due to parents who do not pick up their children on time, I stay late. I’m not to leave until the last student is picked up and that has been anywhere from 6:30 to 6:45. Annoying, to say the least and totally rude in my opinion. Last evening we waited 2 hours. You can’t make this shit up.

Aside from the pick up issue it’s a good side gig. I’m responsible to provide nursing care if any of the D75 students have any health issues. Most of my time is taken up with one student who requires care and nursing procedures and that’s ok. That’s why I’m there. Besides it makes the time go faster. I’d rather be busy or have a schedule to follow than do nothing.

This past Saturday I sat for the National Certification of School Nurses exam. I scheduled it months ago and have been studying off and on. Mostly taking practice tests. I’m proud to say I passed!! 200 questions. It wasn’t the most difficult test I’ve taken but it wasn’t the easiest either. A lot of growth and development questions, first aid nursing interventions for various situations, and many other scenarios. Studying and taking those practice tests was definitely the way to go. I am proud of myself for this certification.

I’m on the ferry right now, taking the 7 am boat to meet a women in uptown Manhattan to buy a bag. Crazy huh? But not just any bag; a Louis Vuitton bag. Yeah there it is. It’s a “Speedy” or doctors bag. In a size and monogram that I don’t have. Those that know me know I am a bag whore. I’ve posted about this issue before. I’ve managed to score at the thrift store nice designer bags and sell them to fund my next personal acquisition. That’s not to say I sell all my thrift finds, there’s quite a few I won’t part with. Well, not right away. Never say never.

There are bags that Tommy has bought me that I couldn’t part with. Especially my “I quit smoking bag”. It’s a Louis Vuitton. Tommy challenged me at the end of the school year about 10 years ago. He said, “I’ll buy you a Louis Vuitton bag if you quit smoking!” I was like “You’re on!” I quit cold turkey and the first 3 days are the worst, that’s how long it takes the nicotine to leave your system. I had pretty bad anxiety so I cleaned: A lot. I cleaned out closets, parts of the attic, cabinets…Thomas thought all the cleaning was great! He was a big help taking garbage bags outside and getting me new ones. I don’t remember much else about that time oddly enough. No wait I wanted to crawl out of my skin and be someone else while feeling like that. I also remember feeling strong that I could beat cigarettes, I wasn’t going to let it break me. Plus if I slipped up I’d have to start those three days of detox over again, no thank you.

So I quit all those years ago and never looked back. I’m glad Tommy threw that challenge at me. I don’t know if I would have quit on my own, I enjoyed smoking. But that’s over now. I’m on the 6 train now going uptown to see a woman about her Louis. Let’s hope it’s all it should be and more.

Our middle daughter Daniella (Lelly) has graduated with her bachelors degree from FIT. Not only is she finished but she finished a semester early, she’s only 21 years old. We are so very proud of her. I’m not surprised Lelly finished college quickly. Not much about this child of mine was on the slow side. When I was in labor with her I remember the contractions were so intense and I had to walk from the elevator to the birthing suite. The walk seemed to get longer with every step. When I finally reached the birthing suite the midwife told me to get on the bed so she could check me and I remember having one hand on the bed and felt Lelly descending, I started yelling “She’s coming! She’s coming NOW!!“ and the midwife literally caught my Lelly while I was still standing. Lelly was my smallest baby so we referenced her to a bird. Due to her size. Thomas gave her the nickname Lelly because he couldn’t say Daniella so she was often called “Lelly bird” or simply “the bird”.

Fast forward to Lelly as a toddler about 2-3 years old. She used to think it was a whole lot of fun to run down the street to the corner and give no indication of stopping. So I would be chasing her down the block on a regular basis. It was a relief when she learned to ride her tricycle because she was a bit older and she was taught to stop at the corner. One of my neighbors said she learned to ride a tricycle so she could move even faster than running.

I feel privileged to be blessed with the children I’ve been loaned by our Lord to raise up to adults. All 4 are very different people even though they lived under the same roof and received DNA from the same 2 parents. God saw to it that they are all their own persons. With unique individual gifts and attributes. Wanting to move fast is one of Lelly’s gifts. She didn’t fool around at college she doubled up on credits and simply got the job done…early.

My girl came into this world on her own terms…fast! I have full confidence in her that she will chose the next steps in her life as seriously as she performed in her college life and without hesitation.

Love you my Bird.

Memorial Day weekend. Nice. When we remember those who fought for us and didn’t make it home and we can also thank those who fought and did make it home. I have a friends who fought and did come home and I’m very thankful for their presence.

This weekend we are celebrate with great friends at their lake house in upstate New York. Today the weather is exceptionally good especially after all the rain and cool temps we’ve had. I’m lounging on a beach chair with my friend, Martha on her boat dock/deck. The sun is surprisingly strong. I made sure to purchase sunscreen. It feels so good though. The sun. And listening to the lake lap at the shore. I haven’t gone further than stick my feet in the lake but that’s ok I’m not a big swimmer and there is this wonderful cool breeze that comes and goes so you don’t feel overheated.

A perfect get away for a long weekend. The lake is simply beautiful. Actually this whole area we’re in is beautiful. Lush greenery, mountains off in the distance, ducks swimming in the lake. I love watching the ducks they just go with the flow of the water. There’s a mama and 5 little ones. Just perfect.

The only thing that’s not so perfect are the bugs. On our first morning I opened up the door and there a crapload of moths stuck to the screen door. I was like “ Ahhh!!! Mothra!” For those not familiar with that word it’s from the Godzilla era films. Not cute then, not cute now. I know I should lighten up moths don’t bite as far as I know but still…

So here’s to one more morning of not getting up early, one more night of dinner and drinks with great and generous friends.!

My husband and I met when we were 15 years old. I’ll never forget. Tommy was removing old shoe laces from his sneakers to replace them with new ones. The old ones were all tied in knots and he was burning them off with a lighter. I didn’t know him and asked, “Do you always burn off your shoelaces?” Tommy looked up at me and I remember looking into those green eyes. I was like wow! He answered me back that the old ones were tied in knots, that was the only way to get them off the sneakers. He ended up that September attending the same high school I attended. In the meantime I had dyed my hair blonde and he was looking for me asking around for me. Everyone he asked said yes they knew me; I was a blonde. Poor Tommy kept saying, no, she’s not blonde… she has brown hair. It wasn’t until we met again face to face did he believe that it was really me with blonde hair.

We started off as friends and were pretty much inseparable. We went to concerts together, hung out together with friends. Keg parties. I liked him more than a friend but was afraid that if we dated it would ruin the friendship. Fast forward a couple of years, we were 17 and sure enough we were a couple.

We were married when we were 25 years old. This November will be 28 years married. And Tommy is still my friend. He’s the best friend I’ve ever had. He is smart, funny, generous, thoughtful, giving, caring, loving and kind. As time passes I feel like I get to know him better and better that there’s more to learn about him. With our kids almost all grown ( Samantha is turning 16 this August) we are able to spend time together alone and it’s nice. I have to say this is a sweet season in our marriage where I feel I can really appreciate my husband. Not that I didn’t appreciate him before; I always appreciated and respected Tommy but now it feels I do so on a different level. When your children are young everything is about them. Throw a special needs kid in there… what was less about you is even more so. Today I’m thankful for Tommy and the love and patience he’s shown me.

Last week I tested positive for Covid. Of course I was home from work as a result. The first two days all I wanted to do was sleep so off to the basement I went to stay. Our basement is finished so I didn’t feel banned from society or anything. The following 3 days I felt like I had a really bad cold with a touch of flu. Ibuprofen worked well. So after my days of isolation and no longer being symptomatic I was ready to go back to work. Not quite. I had a tooth that abscessed and it was swollen like on the inside of my mouth. I figured my dentist would just change the antibiotic I was on. Nope. The tooth needed to be pulled. Now. So I called a local oral surgeon and the only time they could fit me in was the next morning. Another day off from work. The tooth pulling was not too bad. I was pretty anxious but there really wasn’t any reason to be.

So the next day (Wednesday) I returned to work. I had never been out so long; a week. I received the warmest welcome back ever from the staff. Teachers and paras told me they missed me, I was hugged and received phone calls saying I was missed; I was also told rather sternly “I hope you got that out of your system, you can’t do that again.” I felt so appreciated it was great. You don’t know how much your presence affects others until you’re not there for a while. I did receive texts while I was out and that was so sweet but the in person welcome back was really amazing. And school/work life goes on. Students who require daily care; g tube feeds, staff bringing in students for meds, students who are “walk-ins” to the nursing office with various complaints about how they feel and parents to call. I have no complaints, the past 3 days went well and as expected even though you really need to be able to expect the unexpected at my school.

I’ve been off from work since Good Friday, April 15. It’s been glorious I must say. One of the perks of working for the DOE. We celebrated Easter this past Sunday with a family brunch and that was nice. We didn’t make plans to go away, we never do. I don’t want to be away for the whole week and then jump right back into work you know? Besides I like being home for the week plus how many days. It sounds odd but it’s a good feeling to be able to keep up with laundry, vacuum up after Riley my ever shedding dog and get things done around the house that I put off because I’m working. Plus I’m able to spend time with Lelly and Samantha and my husband after he returns home from work. Samantha is home this week as well.

In a weird way being home is a reminder of when I was a stay at home mom except today I have a lot more freedom. Samantha at 15 doesn’t necessarily “need” me and that’s ok. I don’t miss the days of being totally needed. I don’t miss the days of everyone young. At one point I had 4 kids 10 years old and under. Then as Samantha became a little older I had 4 kids in 4 different schools. Fun times I tell you. I wasn’t unhappy when everyone was younger, it’s just that life was harder then than it is now. I don’t have to explain myself those of you with older children understand and those of you with younger children; well you think these years will last forever. They don’t. I really identify with the saying, “the days are long but the years are short”. With my girls I feel like I turned around and here they are married, turning 21 and soon to be 16. Incredible.

I’ve read somewhere that when you can help someone else through their traumatic experience you have healed from your own trauma. I also believed that if you can tell someone your traumatic story without crying you have healed. I don’t know if any of that is true for sure. There are times I can talk about Thomas being violent with me; which happened 7 years ago; without so many emotions, and there are some times when I speak of that trauma in my life I will become upset at the memories. Its a fine line I would say. However I don’t let that time in my life define me or dictate what direction my life takes.

I’m proud of how I have healed. I’ve proven that I am resilient. Seven years ago I was broken, so broken. But God put me in the hands of a wonderful physician and an equally wonderful therapist. And working with them both set me on an amazing path that helped me to come out of an all encompassing storm.

God has his hands on us all. Even when we don’t feel it. As my wonderful friend Louise once said to me, “I see God’s fingerprints all over you.” That gave me tears of joy because I really needed to hear that and it is such a powerful visual. And God’s hand was really holding me up. He’s still holding me, I’ve surrendered my life to my Savior and I know He’ll never leave or forsake me. And for whatever reason I needed to go through a very tough storm to arrive where I am today. I’m working as an RN, a position I swore up and down that I was finished with. But guess what? God wants me to work as a nurse. I knew this in the past and I realized it fully when those jobs were the only ones that worked out, whether it be the money I was earning or the hours I was slated to work. Both were uncanny in their perfection of how they fit in my life.

No matter what the storm we have to trust in the Lord. He will set you on the right path if you ask him to. Pray for wisdom and direction. He will answer you when you find yourself taking a path you would never have dreamed you would take. God is so good!