Author: MenayO

Moving on!

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So that interview I was so excited about last week? Yeah, it’s a “No”. I can’t lie and say I wasn’t disappointed, I am/was. But I know it simply was not to be. I do believe that what’s meant to be will be and this job was not meant for me. I’m still sending out resumes, still on the hunt. I learned that I’m not trusting God enough. I have to put all of my trust in Him, not just when I feel it’s convenient or when things are going well. The true test is when things don’t seem to be going your way. Am I still trusting him? When I was disappointed about not getting this job, was I trusting him? To be honest no I wasn’t. I’ve been thinking long and hard about this. I am putting my trust that The Lord will direct me to the right job. I need to be patient (not one of my strong points as I’ve written about). I need to trust Him. Trust him will all my heart even when things don’t seem to be going my way.

This thinking also leads back to my decision to return to Bible study this fall. I believe I’ve made up my mind to join a group I’m just trying to figure out which group? Our church hosts many small groups for just about every station in life. I’m leaning towards the familiar which is the small group I’ve attended in the past, the leader is wonderful. But then I wonder what a different group would be like? Such issues… I’m glad this is one of the decisions in my life right now.

So I’m moving on with the job search and moving on with the Bible study decision.

Waiting and the panic.

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After my interview last week the Dr who interviewed me said she would let me know if I got the job “by the beginning of next week” meaning starting today. I’ve checked my email at least a dozen times already and nada. Nothing. I keep telling myself if it is meant to be it will be but I can’t help feeling antsy and just wanting to know already. I’m not a good wait-er.

In other news we went to the San Gennero feast in Little Italy yesterday afternoon. It was nice, crowded like you’d never believe but still nice. We had an incident where our 16yr old said she wanted to look at a jewelry display, so the rest of us waited across the way for her to be finished. Five minutes pass, then 10. After 15 Tommy is getting annoyed and so am I. How long does it take to look at jewelry? We don’t see her at the jewelry stands. Now we’re calling and texting her and not getting any answers. OMG. Now I’m starting to get scared, like sick to your stomach scared. All I could think of was that she was kidnapped. With the amount of people at this feast; we’re talking literally wall to wall (or street to street) anything is possible. Tommy takes off down the street a bit to look for her. Nope. Then he goes down the other way. I’m trying not to panic. Finally he finds her. My goodness I was so, so relieved. I didn’t realize how scared I was until I felt the intense relief of knowing that she was ok. After being elated that she is safe, I got mad at her. Mad for making me a nervous freaking wreck I told her I thought she was kidnapped. Scary shit man. Just when you think they are old enough that you don’t have to worry when you go out, that someone won’t “get lost” what happens? They go and get “lost”.

I’m happy to say the rest of the afternoon went off without incident. We had a nice time in the city and even stopped to visit the 9/11 Memorial. It was incredible and so very moving. To see all those names choked you up. And the Freedom Tower is unreal. It’s beautiful. So tall and looming going straight to the sky.

I had an interview!

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Eeeeek!!!! I had my first nursing interview in over 8 years. It is a part time/per diem office position in Manhattan. The rate of pay is significantly lower than what an RN would make in the hospital setting but IMO you can’t really compare as the work load outside a hospital is usually significantly less with also much less stress. I *think* I did ok with the interview. I hope so anyway. I’m not 100% sure this position is for me but no one wants to be rejected. I’m excited though. Excited that my resume was read and that I am being considered for a job! Part time is ideal for me at this time, and the hours were perfect for fitting in the kids’ schedules both in school and after school. And I adore Manhattan to think I could be working there gives me a thrill, to be able to spend time in the city I love and work there… I’ll know by next week if I’ll be offered the position. For now I’ll just play the interview over and over in my head.

Following the spirit.

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For the past 3 years or so I’ve been singing in our church choir and I truly loved it. There isn’t a better group of people out there singing in a choir, IMO anyway. Our director made us a family, she encouraged us to pray for one another and I know I felt involved with their lives with prayer requests that were made and praise reports. It was a sweet 3 years. Have I mentioned how much I adore our choir director? She is awesome to put it simply.

However lately I’ve been contemplating not returning to choir and instead concentrating on one of the many small groups/bible study groups our church offers. Before joining the choir I was very involved with one particular women’s small group and I really enjoyed it. In fact that group helped me admit I needed help with Thomas and his aggression towards me. The leaders of that small group were the first people I ever told about Thomas and his aggression. I’ll never forget the kindness and feelings of non judgment I experienced.

So anyway, I’m unable to do both choir and small group as both are too much time away from my family. I’m feeling spirit led to return to small group and experience the fellowship and camaraderie of other people in this Christian life. If I chose the small group I will miss my choir family and the fellowship I have with them. I will miss certain personalities and the laughter we share. But I will be gaining other personalities some unknown right now. I know I’ll meet new people and gain new perspectives in sharing experiences and testimonies.

I’m not 100% sure which way I’m leaning. I could very well change my mind and stay with the choir. I’ll pray on it and see where the spirit leads me.

I need more patience.

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What does it take to learn patience? Because I obviously have none. I’m applying to jobs and first I had to wait out labor day weekend. Then the week after labor day because most people are still in vacation mode with it being a short week and all. I want things yesterday. I took my CPR for health providers class today and that was nice and a relief all at once. Nice because I was able to be around other grown ups and relief because I passed. I was unnecessarily worried that I would fail the class. I need a self confidence kick.

So getting back to my lack of patience. It seriously stinks. Actually I want more than patience I want whom ever reads my submitted resume to get back to me with a “Yes we want you and please come in for an interview” or “No…we’re not interested”. I don’t think I’m asking too much, haha! I’m sure me and the thousands of other job hunters out there would really appreciate one or the other reply.

So here’s the part when I need to trust God. To trust that He has already picked out the job for me and I simply need to wait on Him and His time table. A time table that does NOT resemble mine at all. I want things asap, God will provide when His time is perfect. Not necessarily when He is ready but when the time is literally perfect for Him to move.

I noticed I haven’t been praying as much as I had been before summer started and everyone was home and my routine was disturbed. I’ve begun praying again and I notice a peace that surrounds me when I pray. I not only pray for direction but also to worship. Worship Him who will finish what He has started. Worship the one and only true God. I’ve missed that feeling of peace when I was pre-occupied with “summer”. School has begun and I can get back to regular prayer and I also need to incorporate prayer when things get so busy. A way to make prayer a part of who I am and not just what I do when I think of it.

Back to school and the job hunt

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So now with September looming on the horizon and everyone returning to school and me with nursing license in hand, I’m actively job hunting and actually did send my resume in for one job that peaked my interest. I’m actually nervous that I’ll get an interview. I do realize that an interview is the next logical step and usually most desired next step. I have to remind myself that I am not in control and I never was. God is choreographing every next step and the way he is paving can only be for my good and his glory. I need to remember this, tattoo it on my brain somehow. I do hope to get an interview, nervousness aside.

I’m taking CPR certification next weekend. I’m looking forward to getting that card as many job postings require that training. I had my PPD (tuberculosis test) placed and it was negative. So I am moving along but not as fast as I want to. I want everything yesterday. I want the CPR class done yesterday. But that is not the way it’s supposed to go. I’ve also contacted a the nursing board for NJ for information of how to obtain my license in the Great Garden State. That will open up more job opportunities. There have been one or two I would have liked to apply for if I’d already had my NJ license.

I’m grateful for a God who will makes things work together for my good. I’m grateful for feeling good, that the depression isn’t holding me down and keeping me down. I’m grateful for an awesome combo of meds put together by my wonderful doctor. I haven’t seen my therapist since June. Between her and my vacation plans and Alyssa working for most of the summer making her unavailable to watch Samantha, we both decided to take a hiatus until September. I’m pleased to say I’ve been “ok”. I have been in contact with Nancy via email and if I really needed her she’s only a phone call away. Thankfully I haven’t needed to call her. I haven’t been in a place where it was necessary. And for that I’m so grateful.

The thing is…

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I’m still on the fence about working as a nurse. Some days I get caught up in the job listings and see all sort of potential and then there are days I’m nervous as anything. Is this for real? Can I do this? According to the state board of Nursing website, I am now “registered” which means my license has been renewed. I have yet to receive the paper version of which. I’m sure I’ll receive it by mail within the next few days.

I have to keep reminding myself that it is not my will that shall be done but The Lord’s will. If I’m meant to work He will find the perfect job for me. One that will not cause strife within my family due to kids’ school schedule/conflicts. As He’s shown in the past if it is to be, it will be perfect. I have to keep reminding myself of this. Such as Thomas’ school. The Lord chose this school for Thomas, He made it happen. He was the one who made all the pieces fit. We just stood by and watched it happen. I have to remember this. And remember God doesn’t let us down, He has his own agenda which is usually way different than ours.

So I’ve been googling job openings for office jobs in my area. There are a few that have my interested peaked but now is not the right time to go applying. We will be going on vacation, then the kids will start school. I’m thinking after vacation I can start applying. Another hurry up and wait scenario but to be honest I’m looking forward to vacation. So anyway after vacation, will I be called right away for an interview? Will I even get an interview? These are scenarios I feel my confidence wavering in. I’m sure this is all normal for someone who’s been out of the work force as long as I have.

This should all be interesting when it all plays out.

Waiting.

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So right now I’m waiting for the Board of Nursing to receive my license renewal. Waiting. Waiting stinks. “Hurry up and wait” is how I feel about most things that aren’t immediate gratification. I’m so curious as to how my job search is going to go. Where will I end up? I’ve already googled some search terms that I’m interested in and surprisingly there were a couple of prospects open. I’m not naïve enough to believe I’ll be hired at once, but it’s nice to day dream a bit. You know, since I now have this time to wait.

Waiting. It could be worse I suppose. I could have been fined heavily for not renewing my license years ago when I was supposed to. But I wasn’t. Honestly, it was an act of defiance for me to NOT renew it. Like I was trying to burn a bridge. But that bridge wasn’t burned it was merely put out of service for a while.

I’m thinking it is the Lord’s plan for me to wait. Waiting for Him to set into motion the plan He has for my life. I’m hoping since this seems to be the right direction that he’ll throw open a couple of door or maybe windows my way. You never know. I think of the many times I’ve prayed and desperately needed Him to open a door and bam! There was that door wide open. Amazing. In a way only God could maneuver. There is no other explanation.

So I wait. And wonder which door The Lord will open. Which window if not a door? I’m looking forward to this journey.

Going forward after stepping back.

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Many of you know I am a registered nurse but I haven’t worked as a nurse in about 9 years. I left my last office job shortly before I became pregnant with Samantha who is now 8yrs old. I swore I wouldn’t work as a nurse again. Swore up down and sideways: nope not going back. I tried doing retail (which I loved by the way) but the schedule was too demanding for our family. I tried my own business of reselling my awesome thrift finds but that didn’t work out either. So now I find myself job hunting with no real skills other than nursing skills. The only thing I’m skilled to do is what I swore off doing. I’m also watching friends of mine returning to school to study… you guessed it; nursing. Here I am already armed with that education and some experience and I can’t even get a job at Trader Joes.

So now I find myself calling the State Board of Nursing to inquire about renewing my license that I had let lapse. It’s no big deal to renew, I have to pay a small fee and take an infection control class (The OCD/neurotic in me already did that right after calling the Board of Nursing). I’m on my way. I’m wondering if this is what’s meant to be. When I say to myself, “You’re a nurse” it just feels “right”. Is this the path the Lord has meant for me for these past years and I fought Him tooth and nail kicking my feet, with nothing else working out? I believe the answer to be yes. I laugh at myself and how determined I was to NOT work in this field again. Then there I am making that phone call.

But now I’m wondering who will hire me after being out of the loop for 9 years. I’m cautiously optimistic as I do believe if this is what God wants me to do, He will also provide a job for me that will be perfect for me and perfect for the needs of my family. I’m sure I’ll be uncomfortable and downright scared but I have to have faith it will work out. My life is in no other hands but His.

After Breakfast

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We took Thomas out for breakfast this morning. We hadn’t seen him since his 18th birthday earlier this month. It was so awesome to see him and spend a little time together. What’s even more awesome is how he’s adjusted to living away from us. Thomas honestly looks happy. Happy to be there with people who have more patience and structure than we’ll ever have. It stings though. Stings that we aren’t able to provide what he needs. I used to joke and say one day I would be an old lady living with Thomas…and 6 cats. These days I don’t joke like that anymore because my son will be living away from me. I’ll probably still have the 6 cats though.

I never thought I’d see my son so independent of us. I’m happy for him. He still needs us as his family but he doesn’t need us for his day to day living. The staff at his school now fills that need. I’m ok with that too. It occurred to me while driving home that there were so many times during Thomas’ childhood that I couldn’t wait for him to be older, mainly so we could obtain a proper diagnosis and treatment. We/I was jerked around so badly by so many professionals it made for Thomas’ childhood to be very trying to put it lightly. I’m stunned at how fast the past 18 years have gone by. Stunned. Yet like most mothers I can recall certain memories as if they were literally yesterday. I don’t want to go back in time, once a go ’round was quite enough for me thanks. I remember so many people telling me to enjoy my kids when they were much younger and me scoffing at them. What the hell did they know about my life? I did enjoy them the best I was able to. As a parent of older teens I see how fast time flies but I won’t tell other parents to “enjoy them while they’re little”. It’s not all fun and games, in my opinion anyway.

With my older kids I’ve enjoyed and are still enjoying every stage. Some more than others. These teen years can give anyone a run for their money. Then I have Samantha who’s almost 8 and she gives me a totally different perspective. I have the opportunity to do some things differently but not like night and day parenting. My core parenting style has not changed.

But getting back to Thomas and how things are so very different that I ever imagined they would be. I always saw myself as being his care giver. At least until he entered a group home and I never had an imagined time that would be. It was always “somewhere” in the future but don’t ask me when. I never imagined he would acclimate to this school like he has. There are no tears when we say good bye, no long torturous, please don’t leave goodbyes. There’s like today, “Thomas would you like to hang out a bit after breakfast?” The answer I received? “No…bye!” He had things to do, he spent time with us and breakfast was over. And that’s ok.