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Christmas music

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I’ve been listening to a CD of Christmas music our choir will be singing during our live Nativity in December.  The CD has the alto part I’m supposed to learn as well as the songs themselves.  I don’t sing without a choir, lol!  It’s wonderful that our director takes the time to record our parts so we can rehearse on our own.  

Listening to songs celebrating our Saviour’s birth is amazing.  I love just about any Christian (contemporary) music, but there is something about true Christmas music celebrating The Lord’s arrival to this earth that is awe inspiring.

I really enjoy singing with our choir. I’ve made close friends that I wonder if I would have met if not for the choir. I believe God places people in your life and He orchestrates how they enter your life. So to answer my own question my guess would be yes I would have met them anyway because God wants them in my life.

Back to the Christmas music, I’m not rushing Christmas to get here, I’m very content to take my daughter trick or treating and celebrate Thanksgiving. It’s limited rehearsal time that has me singing Christmas music, and the songs we are singing are so inspiring yet calming. “He’s here, He’s here! Now come worship Him” is the short message of all the songs put together. One of the songs is titled “Birthday of a King”. How perfect is that? Christ is our King and that we have the freedom to openly celebrate his birth is so wonderful. I can honestly say it wasn’t until I accepted Christ as my Saviour did I really “get” Christmas. That if I never received another a Christmas gift it would really be ok as it’s not about the gifts anyway. It’s about the gift of God’s son. He sent Him here to save us. What other gift could be greater than that? None.

The thrift and the big city

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Last week I had a couple of appointments back to back so I wasn’t on my regularly scheduled thrift escapade.  I’m in Manhattan twice a week now.  I’ve been trying to shake up my routine a bit.  I did mention I found a new to me Goodwill store uptown.  Honestly I prefer the Salvation army.  Believe it or not I find Goodwill pricey as far as thrift stores go.  Salvation Army …good gravy you can find some treasures there!  Well I do anyway 😉

And just to shamelessly plug my business (www.nayaudo.com),  if there’s anything/clothing or shoe wise anyone wants me to keep an eye out for, you can contact me through my website.

I absolutely love going to Manhattan. I love the anonymity, I love to people watch, I just love New York! It’s funny how different areas of the city have their own vibes. These are just my opinions and observations but the upper west side is a bit different with people walking around in work out wear like they have nothing else to do that day and there’s a ton of nannies pushing strollers, oh my gosh! I really like it up there as it’s not nearly as crazy and busy as say Times Square for comparison. It’s almost like “Manhattan Lite” There’s an awesome Salvation Army up there that I’m a “regular” at.

In Chelsea it’s a younger vibe on the street. I feel out of place honestly. I walk with my head up and all but I don’t think I could work in that area or be there on a regular basis. It’s much busier than the upper west side with a lot of cool shops and supermarkets. There’s a really nice Goodwill where I frequent :).

Downtown, so busy with the hustle and bustle of all the businesses and Wall Street and all the men in suits and the women dressed so nice. And mixed in are the tourists, some trying to figure out how to get to the ferry that takes them to the Statue of Liberty. I’m clueless on how to get there, I think we went there on a class trip when I was like 10 yrs old or something. Anyway I’ve met a lot of incredibly nice and interesting tourists. Downtown during the day is a nice place to people watch. Plus shopping, there’s Century 21 and DSW. I haven’t found any thrift stores yet downtown. To be honest I haven’t looked all that hard. There has to be at least one!

I pray on the ferry. I also pray on the subway. When I’m alone on those two modes of transportation I enjoy the solace and escape. Sometimes I open my eyes and I’m surprised at where I am. It doesn’t matter how deep in prayer I think I am. God knows. He knows our hearts.

The Girls

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I’m sitting this morning  hanging out with my older girls.  Daniella asked me why I see Nancy.  I always assumed she knew why.  I explained that I’m being treated for depression.  She was okay with this.  I figured she would be.  Alyssa said she already knew.  That’s cool.  My house has now returned to its relatively quiet state now that Thomas has gone back to school.  

I love when my girls are getting along and we sit here and talk and laugh.  Right now they’re talking about the Christian youth conference they attended last weekend.  They LOVED it.  I’m so happy for them.  To see them walking with The Lord and getting pumped up to go to bible study and youth group and hear them sing Christian songs is more than I ever hoped for when we started attending church regularly a few years ago. I remember some Sundays it was like pulling teeth to get Alyssa there. To see her now so passionate makes me so grateful to Him.

They seem unphased that Thomas went back early. Daniella asked what happened and I gave her the cliff’s notes version. She told me I didn’t have to tell her if I didn’t want to. I didn’t mind. Then she asked me about Nancy.

Right now Daniella is singing and dancing to a Christian rap song she heard at this conference. I’m usually not a fan of rap but for this I’ll make an exception ;).

A short visit

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I’m sitting here right where I’m supposed to be wondering what the heck just happened.  Our son came home for a weekend visit.  We had a great time a couple of weeks ago at his school picnic.  He was wonderful with me.  But this weekend, no.   It started this afternoon after church with a bit of defiant behavior nothing huge or big until you look back.  this afternoon Thomas absolutely did not want me along for the trip to Home Depot with Tommy.  I was going that was it, that’s the way it is.  Tommy managed to coax Thomas to getting in the car.  Thomas stated loud and clear that he wasn’t speaking to me. Fine.

Home Depot went well we decided on and bought a new upstairs hallway light fixture. While Tommy was installing said light fixture my son felt the need to verbally insult me to the point where Tommy asked him to go downstairs. No problem. We have dinner and all seems calmer. That’s cool. Around 7pm while Samantha and I were cruising the American Girl website discussing the finer points of American Girl Dolls and which one would make the better Christmas gift, Thomas walks over and starts verbally berating me. After about 20 minutes Tommy got him to sit with him on the couch and watch tv. Thomas still isn’t done and announces that we shouldn’t call him at school and he isn’t calling us. Fine. Then Thomas decides he wants to go back to school NOW. Tommy tells me to pack his stuff. I did as I’m told and they are on their way to Yonkers.

I don’t know why I’m writing this out. My head still doesn’t understand why this child feels he can say things that are not very nice to me. Why I am his target. I’ve heard all the professional explanations and logically I know it’s not my “fault”. I know if he were a typical child he would say things that aren’t “nice”. I get that as I have a typical 15 yr old. However she doesn’t look for me to aim insults at or call me names that aren’t true.

We are not used to this behavior. We don’t live this way anymore. Praise God I have a level headed husband. The moment Thomas said he wanted to go back Tommy was on his feet. Tommy is my greatest defender. Every day I thank God for putting him in my life.

Where you are supposed to be

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After choir practice this past Thursday night a fellow choir member/friend and I started chatting. She was telling me about when she was going through a difficult time and how our Pastor said during service that even though some people may appear to not be worshipping during church, those people are right where they’re supposed to be, sitting in church.

I know I’ve said this before, I have really wonderful friends. My friend didn’t know I had already written in my blog that maybe this wasn’t the time for my business to take off as it isn’t the time God wants it to happen. I am just where I am supposed to be. I love this. If someone had said that to me a year or so ago I might not have liked it but it still would have rang true.

As of this moment I’m glad to be where I am, where God wants me. I’ve spent the better part of the last year and a half cursing my station in life and putting myself down as a stay at home mom. I was convinced because I wasn’t filling a role within a company and earning a paycheck that I was worthless. But…right here is exactly where God wants and has wanted me to be.

I believe it’s all about trust in The Lord. We have to trust His judgement and follow with faith. I don’t believe we know better than God, that what we want is what we should always get. I expected and wanted a “typical” son. That didn’t happen instead I was given a gift of a boy who challenged me and in that process those many challenges tore me down so I could be rebuilt spiritually.

I began attending church again when things were going well in my life. Thomas was stable on his meds, my family was in a relatively calm state. I was able to join a bible study group. Life was really nice and I accepted Christ as my Saviour. I realized I had a church family when things started unraveling, the med changes and hospitalizations, etc… God placed me in church at the right moment. When life was good I was exactly where I was supposed to be so when things became rough we would have the support and people to support us during that time. Our God is amazing.

Optimism

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Sooooooo I’ve seen my therapist and doctor and I’m back to feeling happy :).  I’m glad to have nipped things in the bud and be able to return to my regularly scheduled programming of thrifting.  Today I scored a gorgeous pair of Antik denim and on Tuesday…Tuesday I found a pair of True Religions!!!   Eeeeeek  :). Forgive me for repeating about the True’s I’ve been on a hunt for those for a long time. I’ve already skinnied those jeans that needed skinny -ing.  Have I mentioned that I sew?   I do for those not in the know.   

My son is coming home this weekend. I’m very happy about that. I’m also very happy that our relationship has been repaired. I’m not afraid of him anymore and when Thomas calls here from school he’s happy to talk on the phone with me and tell me about his day. True to Thomas form he will readily admit if he had a “bad day” and what his actions were to make it bad. Gotta love him for the honesty. He’s been that honest since he was small.

I’m sitting here happy that I have nothing to report depression wise. But as a result I’m not sure what to write about. Why does it seem easier to write about sad subjects than happy ones? When I was writing out my story of Thomas the words flew out my fingers while typing. I’d kept them pent up for too long. Now it’s like a weight has been lifted and I can look forward with optimism. I’m even debating going blonde again, but then again maybe I won’t. I’m fickle like that, always have been.

I’m feeling more optimistic about my business (www.nayaudo.com). Maybe I’m not supposed to be at the place yet where it takes off. I need to remember that I am not in charge here, God is and He has His own plan and His own timing.

Standing still ?

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I know I wrote “Moving Forward” recently.  I really believed I was going someplace.  Where?  I have no idea.  This past  weekend it hit me hard that I’m not going anywhere and I felt the depression sneaking back in.  I don’t think I’ve ever been so frustrated (aside from trying to get help for my son).  Now I’m fighting for me and I worry am I strong enough?  Determined enough?  

I feels as though I have tackled and defeated the demons that plagued me concerning Thomas.  But the ones plaguing me still need to be conquered.  The fear and uncertainty of who I am or want to be other than a wife and mother Is rocking my world.  In no way do I wish to abandon my present roles.  I want to fully embrace them while creating and nurturing a separate role that is mine alone.  Make sense?

Thank God I was able to locate a new to me thrift store in Manhattan and score a pair of True Religions. At least in my thrift life all is right.

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This past year I had a difficult time no doubt.  Battling depression while accepting my son being at residential school and raising my girls.  In a way I thought the girls might be “easy” to deal with now that I wasn’t on guard all the time from Thomas. Ha!  A grade schooler, a pre-teen and a full fledged teen.  All girls.  It’s been interesting, sometimes amusing and sometimes I’m ready to pull my hair out. There have also been plenty of times my heart has swelled with pride and they make me laugh or cry with their greatness.  By the way, I’ve already apologized to my mother for my behavior as a teen.  Yes I did.

With Thomas away I had a chance to re-group as his mother. The school staff was now pretty much “in charge” of the majority of his needs and as much as I dislike to admit it, I welcomed the break. The staff is wonderful and kept me informed of when Thomas needed to see the doctor, medications given if he had a cold, etc… I can’t complain at all and I know we are fortunate. God placed him there as I’ve written before, I’m confident of that fact.

This break also gave me a chance to heal and take care of the bruises that you couldn’t see. As already mentioned I take medication and I’m in therapy. Both choices were difficult but absolutely necessary. Even though life wasn’t perfect and adjustments needed to be made I was able to parent my girls, be a wife to my husband, take a class at the local city college and start my own business (www.nayaudo.com ;)). Most importantly my relationship with my son was healed. I can’t imagine being on my guard with him all the time like I was. These days when we visit him at school or Thomas comes home for a visit I’m happy and realize how much I’ve missed him. My son. He’s mine.image

These days

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These days I’m feeling better and dare I say happy at times? I told Nancy this and she was thrilled for me which I thought was really sweet.

The picture I posted is me at a recent festival/fair I attended to promote my business. I am a personal shopper specializing…wait for it…specializing in the thrift! Yes I am :). I have a website http://www.nayaudo.com where I have some of my current inventory. I mainly take requests of a designer or style of clothing one is searching for. If I find it at the thrift my cost is low so your (the customer) price is low as well. I’m more than happy to look for just about anything for anyone. Clothes and shoes though let’s not get carried away.

So getting back to me being happy. I don’t feel odd or euphoric I just feel like “me” and it’s been so long since I’ve felt this way. I’m not 100% and still on the quiet side and I can get lost in my thoughts and insecurities. But I’ve learned to open up a bit especially to Tommy. I take medication too, something I neverever in a million years thought I would do. Part of me felt like a hypocrite as I was terrified of meds, meanwhile my son takes meds. I’m over that now and honestly if I need meds for years or however long my doctor feels necessary I’m ok with that. Depression is effin serious man.

I had thoughts and said things when I was depressed that I couldn’t imagine thinking or saying when I’m just “me”.
Depression is real, it’s more than feeling blue and you can do something or treat yourself to snap out of it. It’s dark and scary and can be dangerous and not a place I want to revisit.

As scary as depression is asking for help can be almost equally as scary. It was for me anyway. As I waited for the elevator to see my psychiatrist the first time I wanted to throw up. I was so, so nervous. But once I was in his office and completely honest about what I was thinking and how I felt, I wasn’t afraid anymore, actually it was good to get it out to someone I knew wouldn’t judge me and wasn’t afraid of what I was saying. I have a wonderful doctor and I’m sure I’m fortunate to have found him without much searching. He is in Manhattan so I have a small commute but it is so worth it, plus there’s a Goodwill across the street. ;).

Keeping the faith

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I have to say when I was at my lowest during my depression is when I would feel so far from God.  I wasn’t angry with him but it was difficult to pray and worship, but…once I started it was wonderful and I would remember how much I wanted to praise Him and thank The Lord for literally holding me up because I know I wasn’t standing on my feet due to my own strength.   I listen to contemporary Christian music when I’m home and especially in the car.  Those songs were gentle reminders of the grace our Lord has gifted to us as well as reminding me I wasn’t as useless and a loser as I thought I was.  That God The Father does love me.  

There was one particular time I was on my way to visit Thomas at the hospital. I was by myself for the 2 hour ride and found a Christian radio station that broadcasted sermons about a half hour long each. I believe this was either just before or just as I was starting to see Nancy and Dr. L. The Pastor on the radio was talking about suicide. That some religions believe you will go to hell if you commit suicide. This Pastor didn’t believe that instead he talked about how your body is a gift from God and how could you destroy that gift? He kept enforcing our body was this “gift” and you don’t destroy something from God. I can honestly say this Pastor saved my life. I was such a mess at that time and kept it all to myself, I didn’t have the words and everything seemed overwhelming. I believed friends and family were afraid of me that they didn’t know what to say to me. My dearest friend Jackie called me when it seemed I was feeling so alone. Every. Time. That was The Lord directing her. No doubt about it.

Every day my husband would text me, morning and afternoon to make sure I was “ok”. When I was with my husband was the only time I felt “safe”. He still texts me every morning.

One of the women I used to attend Bible study with called me just about every week to say hello and ask how I was. Many times I could barely answer her to say “I’m fine” or I would start crying. I’ve told her she helped save my life with those short, weekly phone calls. She was absolutely being guided by the Holy Spirit and I’ll never be able to thank her enough.

Cheryl the pastor’s wife told me she had me in her prayers when I never even knew it.

The Lord was with me, holding me up when I needed him to. He sent radio Pastors and friends long distance and close by to let me know I was not alone. He gave me a thoughtful husband. All the little things add up and can only equal the work of Him.