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What to do with myself?

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When September, 2012 came around I decided we/I needed a break from running around.  I didn’t encourage any extracurricular activities and thankfully it went unnoticed by the girls, until around November.  The thought of running here and there like I did last year was too much to even think about never mind actually do. The year before the girls had taken gymnastics and even Thomas has a class which was run by “On Your Mark” an agency that serves the developmentally disabled. I thought it was the coolest that he was in that class and so did the girls but after a few hospitalizations Thomas refused to go and no amount of pleading or cajoling would change his mind.

If Tommy was home I would take the girls and stay to watch them in the waiting room of the gym. Most times there was all this small talk and chit chat from the other parents waiting. I couldn’t talk much or participate my depression was that bad. I would look down or away at anyone who looked my way. To be honest I found most of them annoying. I mean how does one make small talk when the only thing rattling around in your brain is how useless you are? It’s a terrible state to be in. There were many times I sat there holding back tears due to the horrible things I thought about myself.

In the meantime when Alyssa and Daniella were asking me why wouldn’t I talk to anyone. I told them flat out I didn’t like the other parents and I was happy to be alone. Towards the end of the school year I did get friendly with another mother who happens to live around the corner. She is one of those people who I’d call “low maintenance”. She had no drama and pretty much kept to herself as well. Perfect.

I was seeing Dr. L and trialing different meds. Some would work for awhile and then stop working. He would up the dosage, I’d gain weight and get pissed but then the increase would kick in and I could deal with the weight gain. It was a roller coaster and not a fun one at that.

I couldn’t stay home because I would be alone with my thoughts and that wasn’t safe. I couldn’t go to the mall everyday and shop, my husband would’ve had a cow and rightfully so, getting a job was out of the question as I was barely holding it together as it was. This is where the thrift shopping comes in. I could shop or just go through racks on a mad hunt for designer items. I’m guessing I have a very serious face while thrifting. Alyssa came with me a few times and said, “oh my gosh Mom! You should see your face!” That made me laugh and it makes me smile to this day. Not many people talk to me when I’m at the thrift store.

I also became a snobby thrifter. I refused to buy anything I could “afford”. I only wanted things I would never pay retail for as the retail cost of those items are crazed. An example is denim. I would (and still do) only buy premium denim such as Citizens of Humanity, Seven For All Mankind, Madewell, etc… On my birthday I scored a Chanel top. The prices were so low it was awesome.

So there you have it my answer to getting out of the house when you are suffering from depression: Thrift store :).

The Sail School

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So after finding out there was another boy vying for this one open space, Tommy and I were frustrated. We came home and I called Cheryl, the Pastors wife and she prayed for us. About a week or so later Admissions Woman called and made an appointment to bring Thomas up to the school. To say we were hopeful is an understatement.

We arrive and we were met by Admissions Woman and another staff member. For the life of me I can’t remember her name or title. They did a mini assessment of Thomas, asked a few questions and then they asked Tommy to take Thomas out of the room so they could talk to me. It was then I was informed that the other boy had filled the available opening. My face froze, I didn’t know what to say. All I thought of was now I have to explain this to my husband. That he took a day off work for nothing. I couldnt speak, couldn’t even ask them why they had us come there knowing there were no open spots? I thanked them for their time and headed to my husband and son, both waiting in the car. I told Tommy and he was angry. I didn’t blame him. This was in May, 2012.

Fast forward to June, 2012. Admissions woman calls me and says there will be an anticipated opening the end of June. Praise God and endless thanks to our church family for all their prayers. This is perfect timing because Thomas was just admitted to the hospital for aggression towards me. I was given an estimated date of admission to the school. Thomas was discharged from the hospital and we had 2 weeks to get through before the admission to the Sail school. We tried to prepare Thomas the best we could he already knew what is was like to live at a school away from home. My heart hurt even though I knew we couldn’t go on living like this. Thomas went to bed and I stayed with him until he went to sleep, staring at this young man, my child, my first. I cried.

Once again I had to mark my son’s clothes and socks with his initials. I don’t remember much except I did it. The day of admission arrived and I went alone with Thomas. Tommy had to work, he was the only person I would have wanted to go with. I didn’t want to make small talk with anyone or talk period. It was a Thursday. I left the house around 2 pm and there was decent traffic on the George Washington Bridge. It took us at least another hour to arrive. We were late.

When we entered the Sail school we were met by a staff manager, Admissions Woman, and the nurse. Everyone was wonderful. Thomas refused to leave my side for a look around or a tour. I had a ton of paperwork to read and sign, make sure they had his IEP for school, make sure they know due to his meds Thomas needs sunscreen, etc… After a while Thomas grew bored and agreed to go outside to the playground with a staff member. Before I could speak the word “sunscreen” the staff had already put it on Thomas.

One of the hardest things I had to do was give the Nurse Thomas’ meds. I handed over his clothes with no problem but to hand over the medications was really laying down and admitting I couldn’t have him at home anymore. To me handing over his meds was the equivalent of handing them my son and with him my complete trust. The nurse was wonderful and understood when I told her how difficult this was.

After a while there was nothing left to do but go home. All the papers were signed, they had his meds, I gave the school the history they wanted…it was time to leave. I said goodbye to Thomas. He became upset and started crying, I held back tears and after many hugs and goodbyes I left. I ran to my car crying. I sat there. I called Tommy but I don’t remember what we said to each other. After I calmed down I drove home, by myself and I listened to Christian contemporary music.

The next day my stomach became upset and I was sick for 3 days. I cried and cried those 3 days. The Lord was with me as he made sure the girls stayed occupied so I could be sick and cry in peace.

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Hospitals and People Placed In Our Lives

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After Thomas was discharged and we left the local hospital, I spoke to Dr. F.  He wanted to hospitalize Thomas at the hospital we used many years ago when Thomas was 7-8 yrs old, before Andrus.  Dr. F felt there was no safe way to taper off this med and begin a trial of a replacement while at home.  Tommy and I agreed but we were not happy about it.  Thomas’ behavior had leveled off, he was still taking the medication that needed to be stopped and we feared he would view being hospitalized as a punishment. I did not hold my son’s actions towards me as a grudge nor was I angry with him. Was it horrible? Yes. But he is my son and he has brain issues that cause him to act out if he is not medicated properly. We explained why he had to be admitted and thankfully he understood.

I took Thomas to Westchester, 2 hours away to be admitted to the psych hospital. I told the admitting psychiatrist why we were there, to stop the medication affecting the white blood cells and hopefully replace it with something else. I asked him to please call Dr. F and discuss this with him. The hospital Dr. did at some point in time do so and he agreed to the med change.

Thomas was in the hospital for about 6 weeks. They did not take him off the medication we wanted because Thomas’ behavior would worsen with each tapering down of the dose, and his white blood cells were in the normal range so their decision was to keep him on that med. As happy as we were to have him home, it was a waste of time to have had him hospitalized. I warned the hospital Dr that we’ve been through this and I knew Thomas’ white blood cells were going to drop again. And they did.

Dr. F decided to take Thomas off the med at home (again) and hope for the best and we could always hospitalize him again. I don’t remember much about that time except I know it didn’t go well and Thomas was hospitalized again and again. It became a revolving door situation. I was the target of his aggression, not once did he hit the girls. In some strange way when I told the professionsals that “I” was Thomas’ target and not the girls, it seemed “ok”. I won’t go into fine details but his aggression sent me spiraling into depression and it was the cause of great trauma to me.

However The Lord again shows himself when I was in need. During one admission the hospital was having a meeting about Thomas and a parent had to attend. Tommy was working so I’m the one. Tommy didn’t want me to drive alone but I didn’t have anyone to go with me. I was about to call the church and ask but decided to go shopping at Macy’s instead. In the middle of Macy’s I run into Cheryl, one of the Pastor’s wife. We had met before and chatted since they have a special needs son now an adult. I tell Cheryl about the meeting and I need someone to come with me. Cheryl quickly says, “When is the meeting?” I tell her, “Thursday”. Cheryl says, “Thursday is fine I’ll come with you”. I almost fell over right there in Macy’s. That was no coincidence, nope. She gave up her whole day and drove 2’hours there and back with me not once but twice. Yes people are placed in our lives for a reason.

Adjusting meds and more

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We were optimistic we could do this med adjustment at home.  I was confidant due to the three years of stability and no aggression that this could be done.  I couldn’t have been more wrong.  Thomas tolerated the initial tapering down of the dose. We were confidant this was going to work. Then he hit me. On my back an open hand slap that hurt physically and emotionally.

Not long after that incident, one morning Thomas became very aggressive towards me before an orthodontist appointment.  The plan was to drop Daniella and Samantha each their different schools and then head to the orthodontist. Thomas became very unstable in the car and I didn’t know what to do. Go home or go straight to the local hospital? For whatever reason I chose to go home. He continued being aggressive when we arrived home and entered the house. He would settle down and then get aggressive all over again. This cycle went on and on, I even cried out to Jesus. I was afraid. I called my parents who live 45 minutes away to please come. I called Thomas’ psychiatrist. Finally I called an ambulance.

Before the EMT’s arrived I had police officers at my door and almost the whole neighborhood watching. It was around 10 am. I remember my parents arriving just before the police. By that time Thomas knew I called an ambulance and was crying and upset saying he was sorry. The EMT’S arrived and they took down his meds and a short history. I have to say in the middle of a horrid situation we were blessed with awesome policemen and EMT’S. I know they were sent here by The Lord. They were so kind and professional. No one looked at me like I was lying nor did they treat my son like a criminal.

I agreed to have Thomas transported to the psych department of the local hospital. An EMT sat in the back of the ambulance with Thomas and I. he was very nice and made appropriate small talk. The only thing I remember about that conversation is him remarking I looked “young” when he asked how old my son was and the ages of my other children. We arrived at the psych ER and it was a total waste of time. The staff was very efficient and the psychiatrists were very nice and understood the tapering off of the med and why we were doing it. Unfortunately there was nothing they could do for us as they didn’t have an adolescent unit and not enough staff to keep an eye on him one to one in a ward full of grown men. The thought of leaving him there in that situation made me sick to my stomach. He is still my son. I was then offered transport to some hospital in Queens that I hadn’t heard of. No thank you. I took him home.

Samantha

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I think I mentioned Thomas spent 3 years at Andrus.  At the end of each school year the school professionals and Tommy and I would have a meeting to discuss their recommendation and did we agree with them or not. I’ll admit the first year I was terrified they would send him home. Thomas wasn’t ready. Thankfully they recommended another year. By the end of the second school year I really wasn’t sure if it was time for him to come home. But they, the professionals recommended another year and Tommy and I agreed and the decision felt right.

So in the middle of all this I became pregnant (again). This time the pregnancy stuck, lol!! Her name is Samantha. Aside from the constant worry I had a lovely pregnancy. The miscarriages had taken away my innocence that everything would be alright. Part of me wouldn’t relax until she was in my arms. I adored my doctor, he performed the D&C’s so he knew my history. I used midwives with my other children and even the 2 I lost but by this time they had stopped practicing. It was ok though as I firmly believe I was supposed to use Dr. T.

Dr. T was so caring and treated me like a daughter. He let me chose how often I wanted to come in and he always checked the heartbeat for me even when it was very early, he would do a sonogram instead of the Doppler. I couldn’t believe the level of care I received, more than the technical care but the emotional care I received from Dr. T. No question was unanswered or silly and he never looked at me like, “Really…haven’t you done this before?”

Samantha was born naturally in the hospital at 11:37 pm
on a Tuesday just over 7 years ago.

Tommy picked up Thomas as he was able to be there to meet her when she was brand new :). That meant a lot to me. He adored her and to my surprise compared her newborn-ness to Daniella. Thomas almost 5 years old when Daniella was born. He surprised me that he would remember certain details like the umbilical cord still attached and the ink on the foot for the footprint. Thomas always surprises me and I really admire him that he has that ability.

I don’t remember how long Thomas’ visit was, but it was long enough that I was able to get pictures taken of him, Alyssa and Samantha. Daniella was completely uncooperative so she was not in the photo shoot at the mall. A fact we like to tease her about to this day.

Samantha was born during Thomas’ third year at Andrus. I know that made my life a bit easier in caring for a newborn. By June of the following year with Samantha approaching her first birthday it was decided that Thomas should come home to live. The school professionals and Tommy and I were all in agreement. The therapy and meds together had worked to cease the aggression and fits/tantrums. We finally were able to enjoy him and our whole family without worrying he would “snap” and be rough or hit someone. It was agreed however that Thomas still attend Andrus as a day student while he lived at home. The Board of Ed provided busing to and from Yonkers while this plan was in place. It turns out there was one other student from our area so neither rode the bus alone. And believe it or not the bus driver was the mother of a special needs adult child. God is good I tell you.

Advocating

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I must admit some of Thomas’ time at Andrus I don’t remember.  He spent 3 years there and I didn’t journal or keep notes. With the exception of this blog I’ve never journaled or wrote anything down (unless you count keeping track of Thomas’ fits and tantrums back in the day) The major milestones of course I can recall but much of the mundane day to day…no.  I can go on with relatively minor incidents but why?  Most are no different than any incidents at any other typical school with any typical child.  I did say I would cover more in future posts as there is one time in particular that I refused to back down and proved even to myself how serious I was about advocating for my son and how deeply my son had rooted in my soul.

I had requested Thomas have updated IQ testing performed.  Unfortunately the grad student neuropsychologist decided to perform such testing when we were in the middle of taking Thomas off one of his major medications. The psychiatrist and I were concerned that the med was affecting him cognitively. In other words preventing Thomas from learning. The stopping of this med proved to be not good at all as evidenced by him throwing things at me while I was driving and a return of the aggression. I couldn’t understand why the testing would be performed during this time of instability but the grad student did it anyway.

Well it turned out that the testing showed Thomas has a low IQ, around 47 which classifies him in the moderately retarded range. Now I know this is just a number and in no way defines my son. Thomas is Thomas no matter what label, diagnosis, or IQ range he wears. But…how could testing performed during a period of instability be accurate? I was furious at the neuropsychologist for this. At a meeting my husband and I were called to attend; In a very calm and controlled voice I told the neuropsychologist how much I indeed disagreed with her findings and how dare she test my son during a major med change. I paused and the neuropsychologist dared to speak. I raised my voice and exclaimed, “I’m not finished!” A silence fell over everyone attending the meeting. I saw my husband lean back in his chair and his expression said, ” oh no lady…now you’ve done it…get ready.” Her interrupting me set me on a tirade of everything I saw wrong with her testing including the fact that she was a grad student and I had in the past told the staff Thomas was way too complicated for students, please don’t allow students to “learn” off of him. I was assured up and down left and right that the student was supervised and logically I know this is true but I was way too upset and felt so wronged for my son. The neuropsychologist barely looked at me when I was finished. That was fine as there was nothing she could say to me at that time that I would have taken seriously.

Fast forward a couple if years the testing was done again with the meds restored and the results were the same. Same IQ. Some would say I should feel embarrassed for my original reaction but I do not. Bottom line is I advocated and spoke up for my son who was unable to do so for himself. I always hoped he was watching me and would see and understand what I was doing for him so that someday he would be able to advocate for himself.

The funniest part of this whole journey is that I used to be a quiet person. I really did not speak up if I thought something was wrong or if I was wronged. It took me receiving this gift of a child from God to change me into someone completely different. I was transformed. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it 1000 times, I would not be who I am if it weren’t for my son. I’ve stood up to doctors/head of departments at major NY hospitals, I’ve gone head to head with the best of them at the school district. I’ve also learned you need to pick your battles and sometimes the professionals I’m yelling at really do care about my son.

I’m not writing this post to brag on myself. I’m hoping someone needs to read this and know you have to power to speak up and advocate. I’ve definitely made mistakes and today I’ve learned not to yell, that people are much more happy to help you when one is “nice”. I rarely yell these days and when there is a situation that it’s almost warranted I stay calm and almost smile at how I would have reacted years ago.

What has also helped me is prayer. Praying to the Father for direction and guidance. He has never let me down. Ever. I will admit that patience and trusting Him to come through is so, so hard but absolutely worth it.

Andrus Experiences

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In the middle of miscarriages and trying to create a typical household for our girls, we still had visits with Thomas. Us visiting him at Andrus and Thomas coming home every other weekend. Life was busy. There were also meetings with various professionals and therapists.

We were fortunate that the psychiatrist Thomas was assigned to was a woman who was wonderful. Dr. “Ellen” never talked down to me, never was patronizing and never made me feel blamed or responsible for Thomas’ behavior. In writing this I recognize The Father’s hand at work. It is no coincidence Thomas was assigned to Dr. Ellen.

Dr. Ellen was very kind when we first spoke. She appreciated my knowledge of all the medications Thomas had trialled without success. Once we agreed to try Thomas on an ADHD med he hadn’t tried yet. Thomas described to his teacher that pictures were “laughing at him”. I became alarmed and asked to stop the med and Dr. Ellen agreed. I was and still am grateful for her in our lives.

Thomas spent 3 years at Andrus. It was not always smooth sailing. There were more than a few incidents. One that comes to mind quickly was me getting a phone call that Thomas had been punched by another resident/student. The person on the other end of the phone didn’t know me and sounded fearful that I would be hysterical. I calmly asked what my son did to warrant getting punched? Lets face it, no child is perfect. It turns out Thomas kept stepping on the shoe of the boy walking in front of him. The boy told Thomas to stop repeatedly, Thomas did not stop so the boy punched Thomas and gave him one heck of a black eye.

Another incident was when Thomas threw a book at his teacher and hit her in the face. This teacher was wonderful and sweet! Oh my gosh, Tommy and I could not apologize enough. We were mortified! The teacher was incredibly gracious and and kept telling Tommy and I she was okay. After that Thomas received a lecture to end all lectures. We dug in, he was not raised that way, he could have really hurt her, we want him home but he has to work harder at controlling himself. Good gravy I can’t think of what we didn’t say to him. Incredibly after that, John the social worker did see a change for the better in Thomas.

What was somewhat amusing is we noticed even with Thomas’ speech impairment, if he cursed you understood him crystal clear. Go figure. I told this to John and he laughed. I returned the laugh, haha. Sure enough a week or so later Thomas was in a mood and when John greeted him Thomas replied, “asshole!” When John called to tell me I do believe I said I told you!

This is just some of what we encountered when Thomas was a resident at Andrus. There is more that I will address in future posts. I want to make it clear that The Lord was with us during this time. He hand picked the professionals who worked with Thomas and in turn worked with Tommy and I. I praise His Holy name.

After…

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As you can imagine after the miscarriage, we were only too pleased  to bid farewell to the year 2004.  Weekend visits with Thomas went well, I don’t remember him hitting or showing aggressive behavior.

Thanksgiving went well and during that weekend is when we put up our Christmas tree and decorate it.  Except I was still grieving and wasn’t in the most festive of moods.  I was stringing the lights on the tree after testing each strand.  When I plugged them all in together the middle strands wouldn’t light.  I had enough!  I took all the lights off the tree and threw them in the garbage.  I announced tearfully, “If anyone wants me to put up a Christmas tree this year it HAS to be a pre-lit tree!”  My sweet husband agreed and we drove to Sears and bought a pre-lit tree. At the time I didn’t realize I was still grieving and that the D & C had been done just 2 weeks prior.

When I think of my kids’ ages now and looking at Samantha (now 7 yrs old), I’m amazed at how fast time passes and I’m amazed at God’s grace.

When I was grieving I was so very angry at God.  I couldn’t understand why he would even allow a woman to become pregnant if he were only going to end the pregnancy.  

Years later, I now know God showed his grace by ending those pregnancies when he did.  (I had another loss in June 2005). As textbook as this may sound there was most likely something very wrong with those pregnancies.  I don’t need to contemplate the “what if’s”.  I know had we been given another special needs child we would have done the best we could with the Lord’s help.  But we weren’t and things turned out the way He wanted them to.  

Samantha is the youngest of four children.  She can be a challenge some days. God chose her to be with us  the same way he chose Thomas, Alyssa and Daniella to be with Tommy and I.

Today I’m about as okay with the miscarriages as a woman can be. I grieved them both and healed.  I have a beautiful family with exactly who is supposed to be here.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A New Normal

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After admitting Thomas to Andrus things were not the same at home as one could well imagine.  I know I missed him.  I didn’t miss his behavior but I missed him. I missed Thomas being in my house, I missed my son. I know Tommy was going through his own grieving and missing Thomas. I don’t remember us talking much about how we felt at least not to each other, it was too hard. We knew why the other was in a “mood” or quiet or grumpy. We tried so hard not to take it out on each other and give the other space until we were able to talk this out. We knew all we had was each other, I was the only one in his world who knew how he felt and he was the only person in my world who knew how I felt. That’s not to say we didn’t get snippy here and there, please…no one is perfect.

The girls settled in to the new quiet house rather seamlessly. Funny how we went from constant state of chaos and not knowing when the next outburst would come to this dare I say, “typical” and predictable household. Yes the girls fought and bickered but it was so textbook, they were doing what they were supposed to do, not witnessing their brother be out of control.

I remember feeling like a fraud when I went out with Alyssa and Daniella. Like I was incomplete or missing something because Thomas wasn’t with us. Don’t get me wrong outings such as going to the zoo, shopping, even a trip to the corner store were now a heck of a lot easier. It felt odd though, like I was playing “pretend” in a life I was presenting to the public that was not the truth. I had 3 children not 2! So many times I wanted to yell, I also have a son! When people would see the girls and I out together and smile. I felt like a liar.

Andrus had rules for visits. I can’t remember exactely but I think it was no home visits for a month or so to encourage Thomas to acclimate to Andrus. I think my son is amazing and truely gifted by God in resilience. He allowed us to leave when he was admitted to Andrus. Plenty of tears mind you but he didn’t physically cling to us or scream or make it harder than it had to be on him or us. He also acclimated to Andrus in a remarkable way, he stepped right into the routine and loved wearing a uniform to school (Andrus is a private school that accepts payment from the NYC Bd. of Ed.). I was and still am in awe of this amazing gift my son possesses. I remember Thomas’ social worker, John and I discussing this. He too was impressed with Thomas’ ability to adapt.

John was a wonderful social worked, very open and honest. He was was a few years younger than Tommy and I, married with children. Somebody we could definitely relate to and he appreciated my blunt honesty. He was also a person with a positive attitude which to us was a breath of fresh air after all the hospitalizations and different doctors and frustrations we faced the whole year prior. I didn’t recognize before writing this that John was placed in our life by God. There’s no way our pairing was a coincidence or by chance. It was orchestrated and intentional by Him.

Honestly I am amazed and humbled at how The Lord was with us even though I didn’t ask Him to be. The Father’s love doesn’t have to be asked for, it just is.

Life goes on

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Thomas was accepted to the Andrus school.  Tommy and I were as happy as we could be with this news.  It still meant our son was going to live away from us.  We were so hopeful they would be able to help calm the aggression, help Thomas be more independent, hopefully lead into some sort of vocational training.  Yes I know he was only 8 years old but somewhere inside me I knew he wasn’t going to progress very far academically.  In retrospect The Lord presented me with that truth many years earlier.  

We had the date of admittance and also a list of suggested clothes and how many pairs or socks/underwear, seasonal appropriate clothing only due to lack of storage. We did however need to think ahead as summer can quickly turn to fall and Andrus is an hour north of us. I had purchased Thomas new socks and underwear and sat down on the floor in his room with a permanent marker all set to mark his initials on all his clothing. Writing “T.O.” on every piece of my son’s clothing hurt my heart. I held back tears until they couldn’t be held back anymore. I called Jackie, one of my best friends in Wisconsin for support. I seriously couldn’t believe I was doing this. I felt almost robotic at some points in time. Just doing what I was told, following directions so Thomas would have what he needed because I wasn’t going to be there.

We had already told Thomas about the school and that he would be living there. He was with us when we did all the visits over the summer so he was aware. Thomas walked in on me marking his clothes and he asked why? I explained that the staff would know his clothes because they all had a “T.O.” on them and I reinforced that he was going to live at the school. I remember he seemed okay with all this. I was a mess however.

The day arrived and Tommy and I drove Thomas to Andrus. Alyssa and Daniella came with us. They were able to see the cottage and know where he was going, nothing was to be a mystery. I remember meeting with the medical staff and I felt very defensive. I was instructed to bring with us all of Thomas’ medications. I did so and had to tell the nursing staff not to follow then directions on some of the prescription bottles due to dosages being changed by Dr.F. I knew Thomas’ dosages better than the back of my hand and relayed all of them. I also told the staff to call Dr. F. if they wanted to double check or hear the dosages and meds straight from his mouth. I know workers in this setting see all sorts of situations some are abuse cases and child protection is involved. However it was clear we were an intact family and I couldn’t help being as knowledgable about my son and his meds as I was. It was who I was at that time. I could answer just about anything about my boy concerning his diagnosis, medications, reactions to meds he tried and why they were stopped. You ask it, I could name it. I felt that the staff was looking at me sideways. Maybe I knew more than the average mother, I don’t know. At that time I felt as though every mother should know what I knew if the situation were similar. God gave Thomas to me to take care of and I was trying my best to not let Him down.

It was in the medical building we were to say goodbye to Thomas. It was difficult and tearful and heartbreaking and hard and necessary.