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Being used

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Being used, but in a good way. Being used by God. I want an itinerary of when God will use me. Of course that isn’t going to happen but it would be nice to know ahead of time when you’re to be a blessing to someone. I remember fervently praying a couple of years ago asking God to use me. I wanted so badly to do something “great” in His name. I didn’t realize at the time I was being used for my own family. Encouraging my older girls to be involved in youth group, driving them to and from, having discussions about God and Jesus and the bible. He was using me and I didn’t recognize it. Maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be. God uses us for his glory but in ways only he knows since he’s the one orchestrating the whole thing anyway. I’m realizing lately just how much He is in control and it’s striking and comforting. When I look at my life and the way things have fallen into place there is no other answer except “It’s God”. There are no coincidences and “oh isn’t that funny”. Nope, it’s The Lord.

One such example is Thomas’ school. They were the only school who called and I wasn’t even going to answer the phone. Thanks be to God that I did or The Holy spirit prompting me to pick up the phone. If I never had that conversation which led to visiting the school and eventually Thomas’ attendance I honestly don’t know what we would have done at that time. It was a desperate time for us and God hand picked this school for Thomas. I truly believe that with all I am. I’m wondering if this new job was handpicked for me for whatever reason. I wanted part time office work in Manhattan. I wanted to work as a nurse. Those criteria were met in that exact fashion. I’m almost afraid to believe this job is a direction that could only be guided by The Lord. But who else knew exactly what I wanted. No one. Why is it so hard to convince myself that I am deserving of being directed and controlled and the recipient of gifts by God? I consider God controlling my life almost too good to be true. I don’t see myself as being deserved of such attentive direction. Yet I will strongly proclaim His handiwork in the lives of just about everyone around me.

I do believe He is in control and I praise him. I seriously need to let go and let God.

Working

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I’m still in training but that’s ok as I think training will be coming to an end rather soon. I think I’m ok with training ending, it means I’ll be on my own and that’s a step forward. I like the job, I like the people I meet. I never in a million years thought I’d be working at this job. Never. My family has had to adjust a bit nothing earth shattering but I depend on the girls to be here to watch Samantha or pick her up from school. They’ve been cooperative and supportive so what more could I ask for?

For quite some time I’ve been questioning if God really has a plan for me. I felt as if I were floating around with no direction, sending my resume out for months with no replies whatsoever. Then it seems like BAM! All of a sudden I have this job and the hours are perfect and even in Manhattan. And for the icing on the cake, I went to bible study last night and it felt so right to be there. As if I was right where I was supposed to be.

I no longer feel like I’m floating around with no direction. I feel like I do have a direction, I don’t know where I’m going, just that I’m on my way. I believe that God has a plan, but what that plan is I have no idea. In God’s own timing will I find out what his plan is. And yet again I’m reminded of the patience required to trust God’s timing.

I got the job!

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The one I video interviewed with.  After not hearing back from them the following week or 2, I figured I didn’t get it as I wrote in a previous post. But this weekend I checked my email and what do I see? An email asking me to come in to their office Monday morning. I quickly emailed back that I could make it.  I went this morning, I even arrived early (Yay me ;)).  We chatted and my future employer was very nice and personable. We discussed hours, training, dress code (business casual another yay!), salary, and just about everything one discusses at a job interview.

I start training tomorrow! This doesn’t seem real. I’ve spent so much time putting out resumes and job hunting that it doesn’t seem real that I got the job! I applied for job after job these past 7 months and heard nothing back. I honestly couldn’t even get a job in a supermarket~a popular chain turned me down I hate to admit. It took me renewing my nursing license and praying for guidance to get a job. Amazing IMO. I’ll be in Manhattan part time and I’m so excited. I wanted to work in Manhattan but couldn’t figure out how I would do so without going back to a hospital. I didn’t want to go back to a hospital and worry about working weekends and holidays. So here I am with this part time Manhattan gig in an office with hours that work for my family. It doesn’t seem real.

The next step.

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With Thomas turning 18 this year, Tommy and I are going through the process of obtaining legal guardianship of him. This freaked me out. Not that I am to be my son’s legal guardian past the age of legal adulthood, just that we have to do this period. I had a difficult time filling out the large packet of papers the social worker from school sent us and I held back tears when I had to call the Surrogate court here where we live for further information. I still can’t get over that my first born is 18 years old. Freaks me out man. Every time I think about the next steps we have to take I get choked up and remember Thomas as a baby and I feel like I want to go back. Back to when he was so small and everything was alright. We had yet to begin our journey filled with frustration and doctors and specialists.

I don’t do this with my other kids. I mean Alyssa recently got her drivers permit and as much as that is such a huge milestone and we are so proud of her, it doesn’t freak me out. I’m excited for her to learn to drive (yes it does make me nervous as any parent would be). Daniella my “baby” before Samantha, will be attending high school next year, nope not freaked out.

Is it because Thomas is my first? Is it that he is special needs and this is once again a decision and action we *shouldn’t* have to be doing? One more thing on the list that we have to decide for him? Rhetorical questions mind you I don’t want or expect answers. I remember how simple things were in those few short months before the shit hit the fan and we were set off on a quest of “Tell us what’s wrong and how do we fix it?” For the first time ever I wanted to go back in time. I know I couldn’t change anything that is wrong with Thomas, but I could appreciate more the simplicity of that time in our life.

As of right now we are in a holding pattern. There are papers still to be signed and notarized, another appointment with the guide from Surrogate court to help us further and then the actual filing and appearing before a judge. I’m ok with the holding pattern it’s giving me more time to digest this all and it gives my brain a much needed break.

I had an interview!

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Eeeeek!!!! I had my first nursing interview in over 8 years. It is a part time/per diem office position in Manhattan. The rate of pay is significantly lower than what an RN would make in the hospital setting but IMO you can’t really compare as the work load outside a hospital is usually significantly less with also much less stress. I *think* I did ok with the interview. I hope so anyway. I’m not 100% sure this position is for me but no one wants to be rejected. I’m excited though. Excited that my resume was read and that I am being considered for a job! Part time is ideal for me at this time, and the hours were perfect for fitting in the kids’ schedules both in school and after school. And I adore Manhattan to think I could be working there gives me a thrill, to be able to spend time in the city I love and work there… I’ll know by next week if I’ll be offered the position. For now I’ll just play the interview over and over in my head.

Back to school and the job hunt

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So now with September looming on the horizon and everyone returning to school and me with nursing license in hand, I’m actively job hunting and actually did send my resume in for one job that peaked my interest. I’m actually nervous that I’ll get an interview. I do realize that an interview is the next logical step and usually most desired next step. I have to remind myself that I am not in control and I never was. God is choreographing every next step and the way he is paving can only be for my good and his glory. I need to remember this, tattoo it on my brain somehow. I do hope to get an interview, nervousness aside.

I’m taking CPR certification next weekend. I’m looking forward to getting that card as many job postings require that training. I had my PPD (tuberculosis test) placed and it was negative. So I am moving along but not as fast as I want to. I want everything yesterday. I want the CPR class done yesterday. But that is not the way it’s supposed to go. I’ve also contacted a the nursing board for NJ for information of how to obtain my license in the Great Garden State. That will open up more job opportunities. There have been one or two I would have liked to apply for if I’d already had my NJ license.

I’m grateful for a God who will makes things work together for my good. I’m grateful for feeling good, that the depression isn’t holding me down and keeping me down. I’m grateful for an awesome combo of meds put together by my wonderful doctor. I haven’t seen my therapist since June. Between her and my vacation plans and Alyssa working for most of the summer making her unavailable to watch Samantha, we both decided to take a hiatus until September. I’m pleased to say I’ve been “ok”. I have been in contact with Nancy via email and if I really needed her she’s only a phone call away. Thankfully I haven’t needed to call her. I haven’t been in a place where it was necessary. And for that I’m so grateful.

The thing is…

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I’m still on the fence about working as a nurse. Some days I get caught up in the job listings and see all sort of potential and then there are days I’m nervous as anything. Is this for real? Can I do this? According to the state board of Nursing website, I am now “registered” which means my license has been renewed. I have yet to receive the paper version of which. I’m sure I’ll receive it by mail within the next few days.

I have to keep reminding myself that it is not my will that shall be done but The Lord’s will. If I’m meant to work He will find the perfect job for me. One that will not cause strife within my family due to kids’ school schedule/conflicts. As He’s shown in the past if it is to be, it will be perfect. I have to keep reminding myself of this. Such as Thomas’ school. The Lord chose this school for Thomas, He made it happen. He was the one who made all the pieces fit. We just stood by and watched it happen. I have to remember this. And remember God doesn’t let us down, He has his own agenda which is usually way different than ours.

So I’ve been googling job openings for office jobs in my area. There are a few that have my interested peaked but now is not the right time to go applying. We will be going on vacation, then the kids will start school. I’m thinking after vacation I can start applying. Another hurry up and wait scenario but to be honest I’m looking forward to vacation. So anyway after vacation, will I be called right away for an interview? Will I even get an interview? These are scenarios I feel my confidence wavering in. I’m sure this is all normal for someone who’s been out of the work force as long as I have.

This should all be interesting when it all plays out.

Birthdays

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thomas and me birthday

My Thomas celebrated his 18th birthday this past week. It kind of blew me away that my first baby is now 18 years old. 18 years. It truly seems like yesterday I gave birth. I guess it will always seem that way no matter how old my children get. But 18…man! That’s a milestone. And what an 18 years it has been. How different things would have been if Thomas were an average “typical” child. But that’s not how God wanted it, planned it. It’s taken me a long time to accept that fact. That no matter what I did or didn’t do during my pregnancy and what the midwife did or didn’t do during Thomas’ delivery, The Father was/is in charge and was overseeing everything so that His plan was the one that played out.

It’s hard not to imagine what life could have been like had Thomas not been born the way he was. I like to tell myself there are no guarantees that he would have been a walk in the park. There’s no way of knowing if drugs would have been an issue. Would he have been extremely rebellious? Cutting school? I don’t know. I had a dream not to long ago that Thomas was completely typical. We were sitting together with Alyssa and talking. I don’t remember what we talked about but it was amazing and took me all day to get over that dream. My husband has had a similar dream as well. Was that a gift from The Lord to show us what to expect when we are no longer a part of this world? That there is a part of Thomas He has yet to reveal to us?

18 years old. 18 years of loving this child, fighting for him, changing who I am at my very core, my soul. Being who Thomas is changed me for who I am. I know that was part of The Lord’s plan as well. Amazing isn’t it? The domino effect.

We had an awesome family celebration for Thomas at a local restaurant by his school. Practically the whole staff came out to sing him Happy Birthday. Thomas was overwhelmed and almost hid behind Tommy. I stared at this child of mine. He’s still and always will be my “child” but now he’s a young man. The Lord will continue to work in us and He will continue to give us “gifts” that will glorify Him.

In the city with my Alyssa

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With yesterday being the last full day of school for Samantha, Alyssa and I decided to take advantage and we headed to Manhattan to thrift shop.  The thrift scene around here has dried up with me personally not finding the former awesome finds I’d become accustomed to.  Just a bunch of department store clothing.  Not thrilling, IMO anyway. 

So we took the ferry across to the city and promptly caught the uptown 1 train.   On the subway we were then serenaded by 2 older gentlemen, one was a former member of The Drifters we were told.  After the singing we transferred to the number 2 express train which got us uptown in no time! Alyssa being a typical 15yr old talked my ear off the whole time.  I’m not complaining I enjoyed it, I loved hearing her unfiltered point of view regarding just about everything important in her life.   We got off at 96th St. and Broadway to hit the Salvation Army there. Yes we went that far uptown :).   I love this store, you seriously never know what you’re going to find.  Sometimes you hit it big other times…not so big.  Like I’ve walked out of there empty handed with a heavy heart but that’s the thrill of the thrift, the hunt!

This time both Alyssa and I both scored.  She found the coolest pair of “genie pants” (think more attractive MC Hammer pants) that are apparently very in style right now.  The pants looked brands new and were from TopShop which can be quite spendy in price.  Alyssa also found the cutest sundress perfect for summer.  But then again she is 15 and what wouldn’t look cute on her?  I scored with True Religion denim that fit perfectly (squeal!), a zip around Kate Spade wallet and awesome cotton/linen J Crew pants.  I heart J Crew when I score it at the thrift. 

 

 

After about an hour or so we called it quits to get home early as Alyssa was getting together with friends and I wanted to have lunch before picking up Samantha. We caught the express train downtown and were all set to transfer to the 1 to the ferry terminal when the conductor made an announcement that the service to the ferry via the 1 train was interrupted and gave instructions to catch another train. Alyssa and I exited on Fulton street and oh my goodness we had NO idea where to go which way was the ferry?? After a couple of false starts I spied 2 building security guards on a corner and asked them how to get to the ferry. They were nice enough to give us directions and off we went! I’d say we walked about 10 blocks, far enough IMO.

I’d say our day was a fun thrifting success and more importantly I had a great time with my daughter.

Just passing time

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Just passing time, ticking off events as they happen, waiting for the next meeting, appointment, upcoming event.  That’s how I see my life lately.  I want to stop and be in the moment.  Almost freeze time so I can savor the experience.  My son is turning 18 in a few weeks and it blows my mind~literally.  Blows it.  Being “Thomas” there is no big deal high school graduation (special ed educates until he turns 21) and I’m ok with that.  Yes it stings to see other young men his age celebrating and moving on to the next chapters of their lives but it is what it is and Thomas is who he is.  I don’t want to go back in time to when he was younger, no thank you I did it once and that was enough.  However lately I do wish to slow time down just a bit so I can enjoy his short home visits, enjoy watching him order his own meal in a restaurant and ask that his drink be refilled. Things that are taken for granted when your child is typical. Not so much when special needs is the case.  Tommy and I were quite proud of him tonight at dinner when Thomas stepped into that independent role.  He did it naturally and without missing a beat.  Those moments I’d love to slow down and not feel as if they just flew by. 

I’ve watched my older girls mature in an alarmingly fast rate of speed.  My Alyssa will be 16 a week after Thomas turns 18.  I enjoy her and Daniella (13yrs old) in that they are not babies any more.  I enjoy the freedom that is relatively still new to me that I can leave them alone in the house if I need to run to the store or run a few errands.  Besides they would rather not come along with me anyhow.  And that’s ok.  This is when I want to slow down time.  Because I feel as if adult hood is so fast around the corner it will make my head spin. 

 

I still have Samantha who is almost 8 years old. My last, my “baby”, but there’s no way this child is a baby by any means. She’s simply the youngest and I do enjoy her. I enjoy really taking in watching her grow. I have the time to do that with her because she is the youngest. Plus with Thomas in residential school my attention isn’t split between him and the girls.

I think I need to stop passing time and just go with the passing of time and enjoy that for now.