I was at work when one of the paraprofessionals was asked to do something and he answered, “No…Sorry, Im not authorized to do such and such…”. I stopped in my tracks and laughed whole heartedly. That’s exactly what my Dad would say when asked to do something he didn’t want to do.

Its funny how such seemingly little things can throw you back to your memories. It’s unexpected and sometimes like this time; fun. I miss my dad so much. I miss his sense of humor, the remarks he used to make with that perfect timing that he had. I miss kissing him on his bald forehead when I said goodbye. Daddy used to tell us when we were small that his hair fell out because he stayed outside in the rain. Then the story changed to “I had a full head of hair until I had kids”. It took me a few years to appreciate that one.

I miss that I can’t tell my dad that I’m going back to school for my bachelors degree. I know he would’ve been proud. I miss telling him all about my thrift store finds. He would get the biggest kick out of that and tell me about how his mother would thrift shop when he was younger. I miss him declaring the weather to be “a shoppers sky!” when my mom and I went out shopping. I still say that particularly when I score big at the thrift.

On September 4 it will be 5 months since my dad passed. In some ways it feels like he’s been gone so much longer and then again it can feel like just yesterday he was with us. There have been so many instances  where I think, “ Oh I’ll have to  call Daddy when I get home and tell him this or that” only to sharply remember that he’s not with us anymore.

I’ve found the most comfort in these words by Billy Graham, “our last breath on earth is our first breath in heaven.” It makes my father’s transition to heaven seemless and peaceful. I know he’s with Jesus in His kingdom and daddy’s cancer is gone. He’s been healed forever.

 

There are some days it concerns me that I am becoming of this world and not just in this world. Meaning that “Christians are physically placed “in” this world but do not partake of the sinful values of the world.” Romans 12:1-2 says it perfectly, “Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. ² Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

”Do not conform to the pattern of this world…” Tough one. It’s so easy to fall into the pattern or temptations of this world. I find this is what I struggle with. Especially when it comes to my love of all things handbag. There are so many temptations to guard yourself against whether you’re a Christian or not. The world often says “oh it’s fine, you’re not hurting anyone, go ahead you deserve it…” when it comes to many temptations. It’s up to us to pray for discernment and guidance from God to not stumble and become of the world.

I understand being transformed by the renewing of one’s mind. I have much different thoughts and opinions today than I’ve had 10 years ago since I’ve been saved. My stance on certain “sensitive” debatable subjects has changed from a very liberal one to now a conservative point of view. I can only attribute that change to The Lord’s work in my life. There are many issues that I took a strong, definitive view on that I now sit in the fence about. Things aren’t as black and white as they used to be.

“Then you are able to test and approve what God’s will is…” I believe I know partly what God’s will is for me. Right now it’s working as a nurse at the special needs school I’ve been placed at. It’s being a person for others in my life to lean on. I believe so strongly in the will of God; that there’s nothing we can do to stop it. We can delay His will by not being obedient, but we cannot stop what God wants to accomplish. During this past year of working for the Board of Education, I’ve regretted not searching for employment here sooner. I have to remind myself that it wasn’t God’s will for me to have worked here sooner. I was meant to be here at His perfect timing. I wish we could know when His perfect timing is coming up.

 

 

 

This weekend our youngest, Samantha is with our church youth group at a retreat for middle schoolers. She left here Friday midday and will return Monday afternoon. I miss her! This is the first and longest time we’ve been away from only  her without her staying with my mom.

I’m also very excited for her. The theme of the retreat is “Following Jesus”. I can’t think of a better theme for this age group, or any age group for that matter. I prayed today for Samantha to let the Holy Spirit lead her and for her heart to be open to Him. As a Mom that is a Christian of course I want my children to follow Jesus, but it has to be what they want for themselves more than what I want for them.

Samantha recently celebrated her 12th birthday. Every year that passes I almost can’t believe the time has passed for her to celebrate yet another birthday. I feel that way with all my children. Each doesn’t “feel” like they should be the ages that they are since time seems to pass so quickly when it comes to children growing up. What’s the saying? “The days are long but the years are short.” Exactly.

So today we’ll welcome home Samantha after being away for such a long weekend.  And I hope and pray she had a wonderful, moving, almost supernatural experience with our Lord God.

 

 

We planned all week to go to the beach today. The weather had other plans. It was pouring when I woke up this morning, like the sky opened up pouring. It kept up while I took a shower then I decided to go food shopping;  might as well since it was raining so bad. Alyssa decided to come with me. As we left ShopRite the rain stopped!  No way…I put the groceries away and then we saw peeks of blue sky coming through the clouds!  It was around noon and I told Lelly, “I’m I if you’re in!” She was in!

We left the house wearing sunglasses. However on the way we drove in and out of dark clouds. Not rain thank God. Finally we made it to the Jersey shore. I love to go to Ocean Grove beach. It’s this quaint, quiet Christian town. Perfect if you ask me. The parking lot next to the beach was almost empty, we couldn’t believe it. It was partly cloudy but the sun was breaking through perfectly. We sunscreened and got busy doing nothing but soaking up the sun. It was really nice being there with Daniella, we didn’t have to talk a lot. Lelly had brought earbuds so she was busy listening to music while I read a book I started to read back in April. The water was very rough due to the storm that had just passed. We didn’t go in past our thighs. It was great to watch the waves and listen to the water pound the shore when we were taking the sun.

I love the beach, it is absolutely my happy place. I love everything about it, the sun the sand, the water. It’s never dull when you’re in the ocean. There’s always another wave coming in. When I go with Samantha she is in the water literally the whole time. She only comes out to get something to eat and for me to reapply sunscreen.

Lelly also loves the beach. It was so nice to be there with her. We had a great time together. Now that everyone is older and either working or out with friends or boyfriends it’s nice to have one on one time. Lelly and I go to the same gym but rarely are able to go together due to our differing schedules.

Today was a great day.

 

 

Today I had the rare pleasure of having all my children under the same roof without a holiday being involved. Samantha was already home with a friend over. I called Thomas and last minute asked him over for dinner. Tommy and I had an ulterior motive for wanting to see Thomas; he starts his day program tomorrow and we wanted to talk to him and build up his confidance in starting something new. The next thing I knew, during dinner Lelly came home from shopping and then Alyssa walked through the door soon after.

At first I couldn’t believe it, all of them here at one time? I very quickly told them I needed a picture. We took some pictures with them sitting on the couch but they weren’t the greatest so Lelly and Alyssa suggested going outside. Before I knew it Thomas was being so funny!  Dancing and everyone was laughing so hard. Thomas did this pose with one leg in the air and they all still laughed. It was the greatest feeling ever to see them all together laughing and enjoying each other.

Finally we got Thomas to be a little more serious and I got some shots of all my children together and smiling for real. I still like the silly pictures better.

As I mentioned before Thomas starts his day program tomorrow. I’m nervous for him and I wish I could be there to see him off but I’m committed to work and that’s the way it is. Tommy and I talked to Thomas and tried to prepare him the best we could. That a van would probably pick him up, he’ll have to get up earlier tomorrow morning, he’ll eat lunch there, there’s more but I won’t bore you. Thomas has had many changes in his short life. And I must say God had given my son the gift of resiliency.  He adapts to change with more ease than my typical girls would ever adapt. I’m hoping Thomas’ gift will come to the surface tomorrow and he will do well in this new to him situation.

As for me I’ll be praying for him.

Tonight I registered for my first class towards my Bachelors degree in Nursing! I’m excited! I’m hoping to be able to take more than one class at a time but we’ll see how the first class goes then the second…and see how my life adjusts to being back in school. I’m taking online classes with an accredited university located in Arizona.

I’ve been thinking about going back for my bachelors since I started this job with the board of Ed. Especially since they offer partial tuition reimbursement. It’s not a lot but I’ll take it! After my degree is complete I will have a raise in pay but I’m not doing it for that reason. I’m doing it mostly for me. To prove to myself that I can do this. I started to go back for my bachelors when Thomas was very young and I was pregnant with Alyssa. After I had her I knew I couldn’t continue with a 2 yr old, a newborn and a husband who worked a ton of overtime. So life went on.

God truly is amazing. I always knew God wanted me to work as a nurse. I know now that’s why nothing else ever worked out. No matter what other job I had or business I tried to start; nothing worked. I was back where I started. Trained to do one thing and that was to be a nurse. Something I desperately did not want to do at that time. I honestly felt there wasn’t anything else out there for me besides working in a hospital. Been there/done that. Then when I finally said “ok God, you win” and began looking for a job in nursing, things turned so bright. One job led to another, I was laid off and then I was led to school nursing for special needs/medically fragile students. I’m where I’m supposed to be and I thank God for placing me there.

Recently I came upon an online program for RN’s who want to persue their bachelors degree. Everything fell into place. The cost was right, they accepted a lot of my credits from years ago so I only have to complete the nursing portion of the classes. How great is that?

My first class begins September 18, after everyone goes back to school. Work won’t be as hectic as the beginning week so it’s all good. I’m very curious to what the future holds and how I’ll handle this change in life. I think it will be ok.

 

 

 

Special Needs. Two words that can encompass so much. I used to think I was “ok” with having a special needs child. That’s when Thomas was all of 3 years old. I thought I had accepted Thomas for who he was. In reality I had not, not at that time in my life. I was young, Thomas was young and we had not been through enough for me to reach such a high level of acceptance.

There was however, one experience that was almost prophetic. Our pediatrician had sent me to a physical therapy specialist when Thomas was about a year old. She wanted his opinion if Thomas still needed physical therapy even though the city of New York deemed it necessary. At the end of the consult the specialist disappeared and I was left with his assosciate who told me to continue Thomas receiving physical therapy and to continue him receiving services through the city program of Early Intervention “in case he needs special ed services when he’s older”.  I remember I felt ill. Why would this perfect boy of mine ever be in special ed? It was then that I felt as though I would always have to protect him, be his voice, speak up for him and fight for what I thought was right for Thomas. At that time I also knew deep down that he would need special ed services and that he would never learn to read. I have no idea why I thought those things that day. Today Thomas can read and write his name and a few sight words but he cannot read a book.

There it was. Finally.  The time in our lives  that I accepted the fact that Thomas was indeed  “special needs.” It wasn’t during or after the first time he needed to attend a residential school. It wasn’t during the many medication trials or many visits to specialists and “experts”. It was after a neurologist appointment with the renowned Dr. Arnold Gold at Columbia Presbyterian Hospital. Way uptown in Manhattan when Thomas was 12 years old. It was Dr. Gold who observed Thomas with an eagle eye. Examined him more thoroughly than he’d ever been examined by any neurologist. And picked apart and analyzed MRI results and psychiatric reports. It was Dr. Gold who revealed that our Thomas had “Static encephalopathy.” Which in layman’s terms means brain damage that will not get any better nor will it get worse. The damage either happened in utero or during delivery; we’ll never know, and that’s ok.

12 years it took to get a definitive answer. We had partial explanations for Thomas’ behavior but never before had anyone put all the pieces together and placed the answer before us wrapped up with a bow like a gift…but not a gift.

Yesterdmy 22 year old adult son came over for dinner. He was pleasant, easy going and very talkative. I enjoyed dinner with him. Things are what they are. And God gave us this child to raise up and we did the very best we knew how. We were fortunate that God placed people in our lives at strategic places in time. There are no coincidences and it didn’t just so happen that helpful people showed up when they did. God has His fingerprints all over him.

The school I work at is a 12 month program so they run year round. We’re given a choice of whether or not to work. I chose to work. At first after being off for a few days I was like, “Oh jeez what have I done?” But now that I’m in the groove of things I’m glad I made the choice to work. Everyone that works here regularly are here because they want to be. And the teachers are really into making it a low stress environment/ summer camp like feeling. There are still lessons being taught and therapies in session, but most of us are in a light hearted mood…I can’t say all of us are lighthearted, there are always some people who aren’t happy no matter what the situation.

My work load is a little lighter than during the regular school year. Don’t get me wrong there are always busy times of the day but some students come and go on vacation. Some parents chose not to send their children for the summer. I think my favorite part of being here is the atmosphere. Even though we’re all working it’s still the summertime and those of us with children at home are less stressed because we don’t have to get anybody anywhere for after school activities or wake up sleepy children to get ready for the day.

The summer session ends on August 14, that gives me just over 2 weeks before school starts up again. I’m ok with that. I really do like coming to work. I never thought I would ever, ever say that about a job, especially a job in nursing. I didn’t feel this way about the job I had before I was hired by the Board of Ed, doing chart abstraction. When I was laid off I was really upset even though I knew it was a temporary gig. I had gotten so used to working and of course loved the paycheck. Turns out that was such a blessing in disguise.

God really does know what He is doing even though it doesn’t always seem like it. I never would have applied for this job if I was never laid off. I would have kept on working that temporary gig without searching for new employment because I didn’t have to. When that door was closed God opened this wonderful window and I now have not only a job but a career. One that I’m even looking to advance my education for.

I love what I’m doing and I get paid for it. How many people can say that? God is so good.

 

I’m listening to one of my favorite pastors via Sirius XM radio, Dr. Michael Yousef. I really enjoy his manner of preaching and the way he conveys the Lord’s message. This week he spoke of spiritual gifts. This morning he spoke of the gift of faith. That we live by faith by walking by faith. I began thinking of my life and am I walking by faith? What is my spiritual gift?p

I know I have talents such as writing and being a good listener, but I cannot say with certainty that I know what my spiritual gift is. I have friends who’s spiritual gifts are so apparent such as the gift of evangelism, the gift of prayer and the gift of mercy. They use those gifts so effortlessly it’s beautiful to watch God in action.

I know I have faith, my strongest test was the two recent deaths in my immediate family of my father in law and my father. When my father in law passed on I remember feeling surrounded and protected by love. It was odd yet so comforting. I believe that that experience could have only come from God.

When my father died a mere 5 months ago. I had absolute faith that when he took his last breath on earth his next breath was taken in heaven. I still have that absolute faith and I know that as a believer he is also in heaven with Jesus. The deaths of my father and father in law showed me that God is so very real and His love is true.

The friend who’s gift is evangelism; I envy. I wish I had the boldness to proclaim the Gospel to people I don’t know. I don’t deny my belief to others but when I’m placed in a real life situation where I have the chance to be spreading the Gospel, the good news of Christ, I freeze and usually let someone else take the lead in that area. I have no problem evangelizing here in my blog though. Go figure.

 

I love handbags. I have a great collection that my husband has graciously given up his bedroom armoire for. Some have been bought by my husband, some bought by me, others scored at the thrift. It doesn’t matter where I get them, I adore bags. I used to be a hobo bag gal but found I love the ease of a tote. So I have a few totes in various colors and designers. My favorite is a Louis Vuitton that Tommy purchased for me I think 10 nyears ago? She still looks as fabulous as the day I brought her home with little signs of wear and tear.

My other favorite type of bag is a handheld handbag, or one that sits in the crook of your arm. There’s something so wonderfully feminine about that type of bag and the way you carry it. The bag becomes more of an accessory for fashion and less emphasis on function.

My close friends know what a bag whore I am and they take it all in stride. I started out as a shoe whore from my teen years and while in my twenties. I discovered my love of bags probably in my twenties. I wanted a Louis Vuitton “speedy” or doctor’s bag so, so bad. But…the kids were young, I wasn’t working, Tommy worked a ton of overtime and money was better spent elsewhere. And I was ok with that. One day my best friend, Jackie knowing how much I wanted that bag gifted me hers!  I almost fell over when I opened the packaged she mailed to me. My hands shook. And I love her for not only that but also because she is probably the kindest most thoughtful friend ever.

A couple of months ago I scored a vintage Chanel bag at the thrift. I sent her out to a specialty handbag spa to be cleaned and freshened up. They did a great job and I enjoy that bag as much as any other. You can’t tell it’s a Chanel unless you look closely at the bags zipper pulls and quilting. It’s not your typical, well known  Chanel; black with a gold chain strap. I like that it’s an under the radar bag.

Everyone has their “thing” that they are over the top about. It doesn’t even have to be an object it could be movies, concerts, car shows, magazines etc…That someone likes to invest their time and money into. Mine just happens to take up a lot of room. Don’t get me started on shoes…