Since my job with the Board of Ed doesn’t begin until September we’ve decided it would be better for me to take the summer off, why get another job to leave it in a month or two? Thankfully we’re in position where it is doable for me to stay home…again. At first it was difficult, I went from working full time and making a nice full time salary to not working at all and collecting unemployment. I’ve never collected unemployment before so it took me a couple of weeks to get the hang of it. You have to file every week or they don’t pay you. Making that mistake once was enough for me to learn that lesson.

It so different to be home when your kids are at an age where they don’t really “need” you compared to when they were small and calling you for every little thing. Alyssa is 19 and Lelly 16, Samantha turns 11 next month and is pretty independent for her age. I feel like I’m “on call” for them. Lelly will need a ride for an  appointment now and then, both the older girls like to talk to me and for that I am so grateful. I love hearing what is going on in their heads.

I’ve been back to thrifting more often now that I have the time, and I have posted for sale more items that I have in the past, it seems like it anyway. I’d love to do more personal shopping again, I had a blast doing that a couple of years ago. (Warning; shameless plug) if anyone would like me to shop for them or keep an eye open for something feel free to call or text me 347-404-2300 (shameless plug over).

Im also enjoying a beach day here and there with the girls. Last week my parents met us at the Jersey Shore at this town called Ocean Grove. It’s a great little Christian town, very clean and quiet; perfect if you ask me. Anyway we were trying to figure out how my dad was going to walk on the sand with his walker when the guy selling beach badges asked if we would need a wheelchair. I almost fell over, we looked to the left and there was this beach wheelchair, a cool mesh seat and these huge wheels in the front. They got my dad settled on the wheelchair and rolled him out on the beach where we were waiting; umbrella already set up  for him. And when it was time for them to leave all my mom had to do was ask the lifeguards to radio over to the boardwalk for them to come back.  It was so cool and definitely a Godsend.

Being home has definitely made me feel like summer is flying by. I wish time would slow down a bit. In 2 weeks Samantha’s camp will end. I should be encouraging her to do her summer school work but I don’t have the heart to right now. There’s plenty of time left. Famous last words…

I had a great time in the city.  I was only 15 minutes late for my appointment and I was able to hit up my favorite thrift store for a few great scores. One of which is a new with tags Vera Bradley backpack. Whoever ticketed it at the Salvation Army either didn’t care or didn’t look at the suggested retail price tag of 105.00. They stapled their price tag right over that. I almost fell off my seat while on the ferry when I saw the Vera Bradley tag.

My appointment was with my therapist, Nancy. I don’t see her as often as I used to, in fact I see her as I want these days. I like talking to her. And it’s really nice that I’m not in crisis mode. I stopped seeing her when I started working full time back in October of 2016. I didn’t know if I was ready to stop seeing her but God had other plans with my employment situation.

I asked her if it was ok that I come back to talk to her. She exclaimed, “Yes! Yes, it’s so nice to talk to you about your life and how nice things are for you these days instead of worrying about you when you left”. She listens to me talk about my kids and how calm my life is these days. She always ends our sessions with, “You have a nice life.” And I’m almost embarrassed to agree with her, like I’m bragging somehow. I believe everyone should have a Nancy.

I have no doubt that God orchestrated my past two jobs to culminate in my future career with the Board of Ed. When I started working for the medical ear piercing company I wasn’t ready mentally for anything more than extreme part time employment. I stayed there for two years hoping for more hours, when that didn’t happen I applied on a whim for the charting abstracting job. The Lord knew I was ready for a full time job. And it was quite the transition for my family. I enjoyed working full time. It was what I needed and God always gives you what you need.

Now I’m soon to be embarking on a new employment path as a school nurse for special needs students. I’d be lying if I said I’m not nervous, I am but it’s not full blown out anxiety and panic as it would have been in the past. I’m enjoying my time off right now, enjoying the company of my girls and looking forward to September when I start training for this new position.

I stand in awe at the work of the Lord in my life. He gave me exactly what I could handle when I could handle it. Our God is amazing and worthy to be praised.

 

I’m off to Manhattan today. It’s like a mini vacation from my life when I go to the city. I love the anonymity Manhattan gives you. As I’m on the ferry I get to people watch and note who’s a tourist and who’s a “native” or transplanted native. The natives sleep on the boat or get busy doing something to kill the time all while not paying attention to the sites such as the Statue of Liberty that we are passing on our way.

My next step of my commute is the subway. I’ll have to switch from a local to express train as I’m running late for my appointment. I don’t mind the express train I’m always in awe of how fast I get to my destination when I take the 2 or 3 trains. I’ve made it from Chambers St. to 96th Street in a half hour taking the express train. Of course today there major delays with the express trains so I’m forced to stay on the local and be late for my appointment.

I cant help by people watch while on the train. Almost everyone  (including me) has their head down staring at their phone. I notice the “natives” they’re the ones getting ready to sleep for their ride.

The bag lady in me notes just about every handbag/purse I see. I notice that in Manhattan, people are more inclined to use bags that aren’t recognizable meaning no common monograms or logo’s. Here and there I’ll recognize someone’s bag but I am a self admitted bag freak. Today I am wearing a plain yellow leather Longchamp purse that wouldn’t be recognized by anyone unless they were as big a bag junkie as myself.

After my appointment I’ll go to my favorite thrift store in the city. As most of you know I love thrifting and the thrill of the hunt. You never know what you’ll find in the thrift store and for how much money. One time this shop had a very outdated, scratched pair of Christian Dior sunglasses for sale. They wanted; get this; 125.00 for them. I almost laughed out loud but didn’t. Those sunglasses sat there for weeks before I noticed they were gone. I would imagine that they had to have lowered the price. Either that or someone payed the inflated outrageous price for them.

So I’m stuck here on this local train. I’m not a happy camper and I can only assume I’m not alone in this situation. Hopefully I can catch an express train soon and I’ll be quickly on my way to my (late) appointment. Whew! I just transferred over to an express train. Now we’re moving!

I’m on my way!

 

 

 

Not that I ever really left. I did stop selling and shopping for people when I started working full time last October. Since I’m off for the summer and don’t start working again until September, I figure I’ll go back to selling and shopping. Currently I have a Marc by Marc Jacobs dress and a […]

via I’m back ! — Nayaudo’s Thrift

I think back to how I used to be, physically and emotionally. I was thin, I didn’t exercise but watched what I ate and for the most part I was happy with my physical appearance. I liked the clothes I had and I liked the way I dressed. I was comfortable in my skin. Emotionally however I was a mess. I was worried all the time, anxious about everything and I wouldn’t hand anything over to the Lord. I found it impossible to just accept that His will, will be done whether I worried about it or not and whether I agreed with it or not.

Today I’m very different. I’m not thin anymore. I am in fact overweight. I don’t like this part of myself. I do not like the way I look and where I once enjoyed clothes shopping; now I do not. I’m more than happy to go thrift shopping so I won’t be spending a lot of money on clothes I’m not that happy to be wearing anyway because of the size I must buy for things to fit properly. That’s not entirely true I love thrift shopping no matter what size I am. I love finding treasures such as yesterday’s find of Dolce and Gabbanna denim in my current size. So I guess there is a silver lining of sorts.

Today I trust in the Lord. I hand over my deepest worries and I know He loves me and I am worthy of that love. In the past I didn’t feel worthy of that love. I used to think that God would never use me because I wasn’t good enough, not “Christian” enough if that makes sense. I know now that I am worthy of being used by the Lord and that His love is relentless and endures forever. I’m forever grateful that He chose me, He pursued me when I was “busy” with other things of this world.

I wish I could go back to the days where I was physically different yet keep today’s beliefs and knowledge of our God. I feel like they are a package deal in a way. I feel better mentally due to properly prescribed, much needed medication. However with that medication came weight gain. And it’s the type of weight gain that comes from a change in metabolism; as a result it is difficult to reverse without going off the medication. And if I go off the medication I’ll be as I was before; riddled with depression and anxiety yet a thinner version of myself. The solution or answer seems simple. And some days it is an easy choice, other days especially the summer time where there’s no heavy sweaters or hoodies to hide in the answer is not so apparent. I’ve slowly gotten rid of my “skinny” clothing. Each piece that’s been removed from my wardrobe seems like an admission of defeat. There are some I’ve kept more of museum pieces; just clothes I like so much I selfishly don’t want anyone else to have them. Most of the clothes I’ve sold, donated or have for sale on Alyssa’s Poshmark account. And there are other pieces of clothing that I’ve kept in the ever so small chance I will lose the weight and fit into them again.

I’ve tried weight watchers and while I did lose some weight I found the minute I go off of the plan I gained the weight back. So it doesn’t seem like a realistic plan for me. I know it’s worked wonders for other people. One day I’ll find the ever elusive happy medium and when I do I’ll be sure to write about it.

 

 

 

Today was a beach day for my two older girls and me. Alyssa is just shy of 19 and Lelly is 16. I remember the days when they were small and by small I mean the days after I just gave birth to Lelly. Alyssa was almost 3 years old and Thomas almost 5. Lelly was such an easy baby.  I mean she had to be what with the chaos she was born into with Thomas undiagnosed and unmedicated at that age. I remember that just getting through the day was an accomplishment with 3 kids under the age of 5. Everything you want to do is put on hold when your kids are young. Hobbies, spare time activities (“spare time” ha!), even friendships take a hit if they aren’t in a similar boat as you. I remember my best friend Jenn was my life saver, always there to talk to when the kids were on my last nerve or Tommy was working overtime as he often had to. Without that friendship at that time I don’t know what I would have done.

I never imagined my children as young adults or older children when they were young. I was too busy trying to figure out what was for dinner that night. I’m glad I didn’t have any plans preconceived notions about them. I like that they surprised me and turned out to be people I actually like being around and they like being around each other. Especially Alyssa and Lelly. They are very close and I  love that. They fight; don’t think it’s always goodness and light around here but they don’t hate each other when they do fight. And they are quick to make amends. They are also quick to include me in many plans they have. Like today; they wanted a beach day and I was more than happy to go.

We had a great time just the three of us. Taking and laughing, laughing at ourselves and each other. It was nice plain and simple. To be around family and it is effortless is such a gift. We can talk about probably anything, we talk about church, school, their peers, God…no subject is taboo or off limits. Sometimes  we dont talk at all. I’m grateful for my girls. The Lord has gifted me. I never thought in those early days of me pulling my hair out that I would be in this awesome place now in my life where we can just hang out and be together. It’s wonderful and I look forward to more days like this in the future.

 

My Thomas. He turns 21 today. Twenty one years ago I became a mom. Twenty one years ago my life changed in a way I would never have dreamed it would. Twenty one years ago Tommy and I were set off on a parenting trip we couldn’t have planned ourselves, with no instruction manual, no direction and no knowledge of how to raise a special needs child. Heck raising a typical child is challenging on a good day, throw in tantrums that never ended, aggresssive behavior, speech impairment, mental retardation and a good measure of loving behavior along with unsupportive medical “professionals” you have Thomas as a toddler and young child.

I don’t think I could have loved him more during these past 21 years. Through every challenge, every meeting with agencies to provide services, every school IEP meeting, every change of school, every residential school we had to visit when Thomas was 8 years old and again at 15 yrs old; every new set of obstacles we had to make our way through I loved him. So many times I wondered why we were the ones chosen to raise him. Some days I saw it as an honor somedays as a sort of punishment for something I didn’t know I did.

I had many anger sessions towards God and many more prayer sessions requesting help and guidance for my son. The Lord never let me down. I asked for guidance; there would appear in my life an advocate to help us have appropriate IQ testing performed; Thomas’ psychiatrist recommended us to a famous renowned neurologist who diagnosed Thomas with brain damage at the age of 12 years. Something we hadn’t a clue that was even a possibility.  I needed someone to come to meetings at the psychiatric hospital two hours away, my friend Sheryl was there to give up her days plans without question. Yes, God was there every stop of the way even the times I didn’t or wouldn’t acknowledge Him.

21. I can’t think about that age without crying or at least tearing up. He loves me this son of mine. There were times I felt I didn’t deserve his love that perhaps I wasn’t being a good enough mother to him. in my early years with Thomas I had no one to really talk to about him other than my own mother and husband. I had no other mothers going through similar circumstances to compare notes with. I finally connected with other Moms online when Thomas received a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. God placed these wonderful, caring, funny, knowledgeable  and warm women in my life.

21. I still can’t believe it. I remember my labor and delivery as if it were yesterday. I remember how enamoured Tommy and I were with him. How we were so nervous but so very happy. I was your typical neurotic first time Mom and it was glorious.

21 years passes incredibly fast as I’m sure my experienced mom friends can tell you. I couldn’t be more proud to be this young man’s mother. Mistakes, tears, advocating, and frustrating moments in all. He was mine 21 years ago and he’s still mine.

This past week at small group (bible study) we had a talk on peace and how can you have peace at the same time as having a special needs child. I admitted that when Thomas is home I do not have peace. He is very high maintenance and requires constant attention.

Thomas graduated from his school last week; on Thursday. Tommy and I, Alyssa and Lelly and my parents were able to make the trip with us. We hit such horrible traffic I thought for sure we would miss Thomas’ turn. But God is good and we arrived just before they called his name. We are so proud of him and the joy in the pictures is true and heartfelt. We then went for lunch and we took Thomas home with us for the next 2 days.

My husband had to work all day Friday so it was me going solo with my son. I kept him busy for the morning and early afternoon by doing what he wanted to do; go to the thrift store! Of course I wanted to go to so we had a great time with Thomas picking out two sport jackets that fit him like a glove. We then hit TJ maxx for a little bit; by the time I was done there Thomas was ready for lunch.

We came home and that’s when my peace went out the window. Thomas started obsessing about me putting his name in the new to him sport jackets. I did that for him. He then moved on to packing them in his suit case and me doing his laundry. He then follows me around perseverating about his dinner visit to the group home later in the day. I needed the next three hours to pass quickly. Tommy stopped home for a minute then went back to work. Alyssa and Lelly were in and out all afternoon. Thomas doesn’t watch television, will not sit and draw or color, will not play video games, will talk about anything that comes to mind in a continuous fashion and will not entertain himself in the least. My love for this young man of mine is immeasurable but God help me to keep him busy when he’s home.

After Thomas visited the group home for dinner he told me he wanted to go back to  his school the very next morning. I told him the plan was to have him stay until after dinner, but nope Thomas wouldn’t hear of it and insisted he return in the morning.

I wasn’t sad to see him go. I was relieved and at the same time I felt guilty that I don’t have more patience. How did I handle him being home all the time when he lived here? Well for one Thomas had school during the week, a recreation program for Saturday mornings and I could count on Tommy to be home most Sundays. Thomas was also a different person on different meds. He didn’t talk up a storm, and when there wasn’t any school due to vacations or time off Thomas went on various trips run by a local developmental disabilities group. I had a network of support that no longer exists since that life no longer exists.

Thomas is back at his school and I’m sure he was relieved to go back. There are staff members and activities to keep him occupied. I don’t think Thomas knows what to do with himself without his support system that he has at school. He’ll have a different support system and life when he moves into the group home.

I have peace knowing Thomas is taken care of so well and his needs are being met. I have peace.

 

 

 

In His Presence. We live in His presence, God is with us even when we don’t feel like He is there, even when we wonder why He’s “allowing” something evil to happen. He’s is always with us, and He will meet you where you are.

When I met the Lord for he first time I was so, so angry with God. Thomas was in and out of the psychiatric hospital and I was very angry with God because I wasn’t privy to His plan that involved my son, me, my whole family. I was sitting at a traffic light listening to a cd of a band called “Casting Crowns”. The song playing was called “Praise you in this storm”. Out of nowhere I had this crystal clear vision of Jesus standing behind me. He was cupping his hand and catching my tears with the other hand on my shoulder. There He was. He met me there right where I was full of anger and confusion. After that I wasn’t angry anymore, The Lord took my anger away and I was ok with the fact that God had a plan and I didn’t know what that plan was. He was in charge and that was fine.

Before I met The Lord and realized His presence was all around me I would grow frustrated that I couldn’t feel Him.. I wanted proof that He was there. After that encounter I felt different. I felt touched by Him.

This past October we experienced the passing of my father in law, my dad had emergency surgery and was diagnosed with liver and colon cancer and my mom was starting to battle bladder cancer. It was a very trying and emotional time for our family. What strikes me the most about that period of time is the love I felt from God. I felt completely encircled by His love. Especially during my father in law’s funeral. The Lord’s presence was almost palpable to me and I’ve never felt that way before. It made me even more certain that God is always with us and that my father in law wasn’t “gone” but that he merely crossed over to heaven and was with Jesus. I miss him don’t get me wrong I miss him terribly but I know we will see each other again.

We are always in God’s presence even when that presence feels absent. The Lord will never leave you or forsake you. That is His promise and it’s a promise that I hold close to my heart.

 

 

July begins birthday season for my family. Thomas kicks off the first one on the 5th, Tommy the 9th, Alyssa the 12 and Samantha who had to have her own month; August 1st. It’s a little hectic but better now that everyone; meaning the kids, are older.Thomas turns 21 and Alyssa 19. They are 2 years and a week apart in age. Lelly and I have our own birthday month of April, I’m the 3rd and she’s the 29th.

Thomas turning 21… how is it I can remember every little thing about the past 21 years of his life yet forget to buy dental floss when I go shopping? I remember everything about my pregnancy with him. I wouldn’t drink coffee the smell made me nauseous, I couldn’t eat chicken no matter how it was prepared and I craved red meat. I remember being excited to wear maternity clothes.

I loved being pregnant. I loved being pregnant all 4 times but your first is something special. It’s all so new and scary and exciting all at once. I can’t believe it’s been 22 years since my first pregnancy and almost 11 since my last.

So summer birthday season sets off all sorts of nostalgia for me. I remember coming home from the hospital with Thomas a day early because all my night shift co workers kept visiting me at night! So I wasn’t getting any sleep…haha little did I know what the meaning of “no sleep” really was; I learned that real fast.

I’m in awe that Alyssa will be 19 this year. I really enjoy watching her grow into the young lady/adult that she is. She still amazes me. Just as much as she amazed me when she was born and then growing up. She “wrote the book” on making many milestones when she was a young child and continues to do so even now.

My last, Samantha. The youngest our last birthday of the summer. August 1st. I was due with her on July 31st and my sister said, ” Nope, this one wants her own month” and she was right. Samantha arrived at 11:37 pm August 1st, 11 years ago.  I think Samantha really likes having her own birthday month. We can’t group her in with the July birthdays her’s is too far away. The only drawback is trying to plan birthday parties for her. Everyone is on vacation at that time it seems.

Samantha is definitely her own person; nothing like Alyssa or Lelly. She’s a fun girl, loves group sports and being on a team and not that high maintenance as far as clothes or hair go.  She’s more independent at her age than Alyssa and Lelly were. I don’t mean to compare the girls but I can’t help it when the two older are so alike and the youngest one is so different. Same parents, same environment. Samantha definitely marches to the beat of her own drummer.

So in a couple of weeks birthday season will be in full swing! Here’s to everyone having the happiest of birthdays!