One’s weight. For me it’s only an issue like now…because I’m overweight. I blame my meds which are notorious for causing weight gain. Also my age which is approaching 50, isn’t helping either. I just signed up for a fitness program called The Maxx Challenge. It’s 10 weeks. Five days a week you exercise at their gym and they give you nutritional counseling. I’m looking forward to starting on April 9th. Right after my birthday. I’m looking forward to exercising regularly. I could theoretically do this on my own but I feel I need the structure of an organized program. I belong to a gym now with Tommy but I have zero motivation to go. The only thing that gets me going is my friend Martha who asks me to go to yoga classes. I’ve been enjoying the yoga. Some classes are pretty “easy” I mean a lot of stretching and deep breathing and turning this way and that. Some classes you really break a sweat and that feels good to me. Like I’ve really challenged myself.

Its difficult to lose weight as I’m sure most of you know. There is so much really good not good for you food out there to enjoy! And it’s so hard not to over indulge.  Every now and then I’ll stumble across a great recipe that’s low carb/low cal and tastes great. Snacks are what get me the most. I’ve been keeping a lot of pretzels and fruit in the house to eat when that craving for a snack comes up. And for me it’s always after 7pm go figure.

So here’s to the new program I signed up for and to all of you who struggle with their weight with me. The struggle is real!

 

 

Ive cut my hair off; again. After I said I wouldn’t do it again, that it was too hard to grow it out…I grew it to almost my shoulders and couldn’t take it anymore. I had no style and I was tired of being blonde. So I made an appointment with one of my favorite hair stylists here where I live and showed her a picture of the cut I wanted and described the color. Natalya quickly went to get the color samples they offered and there it was: Rose gold. It’s a golden blonde with a tint of pink, not obnoxious and in your face pink more of a “hey… what color is that?” pink. And I love it both the cut and the color.  When I arrived at work the next day (I had it done on a Tuesday) everyone made me feel so great and they complimented both the cut and the color. And to top it off one of the school staff told me she had this tinted conditioner called “rose gold” that she wasn’t using. Without me even saying yes I want it she says, I’ll bring it in tomorrow. She did and it is an awesome product. It brightens up my color and pinkish tone gently. I love it! I’m so glad God put me in this school. The staff is just incredible I know I’ve said this before but I have to say it again and again. The principal is great and fair, as well as just about every other person in every position held. There are a few here and there I avoid or really keep my guard up around but for the most part everyone I come in contact with on a daily basis is caring, respectful and responsible. I’m in and out of one particular classroom literally all day, this one class is where most of my medically fragile students are so I’ve gotten pretty close with the staff. It’s nice to have those relationships and be a witness to how close they are with each other.

People are kind and ask how we’re coping with my dad’s recent death. My standard answer is, “We all have our moments” and it’s true we all do. My sister commented that lunch time is hard for her because she used to talk to daddy on the phone at that time of the day. I just got off the phone and my mom said it’s difficult for her to spend time in her house because she was so used to taking care of my dad when they were home together.  I’m fine when I’m at work because I’m busy for much of the day. I discovered that when I come home I immediately think of calling my mom and then I think of my dad and that gets me to the point where I’m very quiet and I don’t want to speak to my family. Not good.

I think of my dad every day. At various times of the day. Something will happen that I’ll want to tell him and it hits me that I can’t tell him. Even writing this is hard because I’m thinking of him right now as I’m writing and find myself in tears.

I went thrifting today and I thought of my dad. He loved to tell me how his mother would go to the same thrift store and find all sorts of good deals and how she was a very frugal person. So my love of the thrift is obviously genetic. My dad wasn’t big on thrift stores but he loved to hear about the treasures I found. And he would laugh at my joy. Daddy used to love going to flea markets and finding good deals. Englishtown NJ was his choice when we were younger and growing up.

We all have our moments…I suppose those moments become less intense as time goes by. I don’t know I’ve never had a loss as significant and deep as my dad to compare it to.

I miss so many things about my dad. I can’t pinpointed one specific quality of his that has caused this hole in my heart and my life. You seriously don’t realize how big a role someone plays i your life until they are gone. People always say after a loss go “hold on tight” or “tell so and so you live them before they’re gone” after a death. We knew daddy was battling cancer so I didn’t hesitate to tell him I loved him any chance I had. And he would say it back. I know he knew I loved him,  I’m glad I don’t have to wonder now that he’s gone.

Thomas is doing well in his group home. We’re still waiting for him to officially begin his day program but hopefully that will start ASAP and he’ll be able to get fully into a routine. I picked Thomas up early yesterday morning so we could go to church together. He did pretty well and was excited to see Tommy and our renovated house afterwards.

I’m writing this while I sit in my car, arriving early at work to ensure I get a “good” parking space since there is a very small parking lot reserved for the principal and AP’s and various office staff. The rest of us must park on the street and that’s ok. I’d rather get here early and get a “good” spot than arrive later and walk a half a mile.

The job is going well. A lot of people believe that because I have a special needs child I can relate better to the parents of the students I care for. Lately I don’t feel that is true. I relate to those parents mostly because I am also a parent and we all want what is best for our child, special needs or not.  Yes it takes a deeper sense of empathy which I do have, but I think we can all relate to each other; as parents plain and simple.

Most of my days at work are pretty busy. And that’s great because busy = the day goes quickly. I still enjoy coming to work. While each day is somewhat the same due to specific tasks I must do everyday for specific students; each day is also different because you never know what is going to happen next with this specific special needs population that I serve. There are students that are self injurious and require extra attention, there are students who have mini seizures some days, and there are always the walk ins where you never know what kind of issue they can have and if the student is non verbal you have that mountain to climb to be able to meet their needs. Through all those challenges God is in our midst. He had a huge part in my being here at this job in this location. And it’s my honor to serve Him while doing the best job I can.

I still run into staff who cared for or taught Thomas when he attended this school. It’s nice, they always have something positive to say about him and it makes my heart happy. Thomas told me recently that his staff/social worker from his recent school called him at the group home to see how he is doing. I thought that was great and Thomas was excited when he told me.

So I’m off to start another Monday. I know The Lord is with me and with these students and staff.

Today is a month since my dad died. Some days it feels like it was just yesterday. I feel it mostly on the weekends. During the week I’m busy at work and then after work there’s dinner to be made, laundry, cleaning, etc… Today I’ve been weepy. And I find going to church to be a trigger for grief. I think it’s because all I think about during worship is how great a God we serve and how great it is that my dad is with Jesus and every other loved one who went before him. It sets me off that no matter how happy I am for him to be in heaven I miss him terribly here on earth.

A month. That’s not a long amount of time to have passed when you’re grieving. It means it wasn’t too long ago that my dad was here with us even though he was either in the hospital or rehab facility. We were still able to visit him and talk to him, the last conversation I had with him was about my house renovation. He was so happy for Tommy and I. It was nice.

I’m glad I was able to spend his last night with him and my mother and sister. That Saturday night we were all at my parent’s house with all of our kids. It just worked out so perfectly.  When it came time to leave we asked my mom if she wanted us to stay and she said yes. I think we would have stayed even if she said no.

So I’ll go to church today and think about my dad and pray for my mom. I’ll think good thoughts that he is with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and hanging out and taking and laughing with all those that have gone before him.

After a kind of long/not so bad/ had its moments 6 weeks we are finished with our renovation! Our contractor quoted us 6 weeks and he was right. This past week was finishing touches such as the glass tile backsplash and my talented electrician brother in law setting up the television on the wall.

I know I couldn’t wait to get out of the basement. I was so happy to cook again and actually wash dishes in a sink. We didn’t use many reusable things during the renovation. We became experts on which paper plates were better than others. The basement wasn’t horrible, you just go a little stir crazy after a while. Samantha and I watched plenty of on demand television together. So there was that bonding experience. Lelly went off to the Netherlands on her foreign exchange program so she was able to escape during the last stages. It was nice to see her face when she walked in after being gone for 11 days.

My mom brought our dog Lola back home after 6 weeks of watching her for us. We had asked my mom to take her when the renovation began. Lola is a bit high maintenance so I didn’t see her staying in the house during the demolition as a good thing. She would be more interested in playing with who ever is there to work.

I love our new house!  And I’m pleasantly surprised at how easy going Tommy and I were about things such as picking out colors, moulding and finishings. There was no arguing and very little disagreement. I’m sure our attitudes come with age and that we were more concerned with keeping each other happy rather than keeping ourselves happy.

I miss my Dad. I wish he could have seen this renovation to completion. I showed him pictures in the beginning and he was so happy for us; that we were doing it and impressed with the level of demolition down to the studs. When I was a young child my parents did similar to their own house so he would talk to me with remembrance and admiration in his voice. I know it can be said that he’s watching everything from where he is now;  I’d just rather he physically be here.

Thomas is so happy with the results and can’t wait to sleepover. I brought him to the house one afternoon while the painters were still here. He was so good and asked plenty of questions. Thomas  was especially interested in whether or not Tommy had paid them; go figure. Steve, the painter, answered that no Tommy hadn’t paid them yet. We all had a good laugh. Thomas has a great sense of humor.

One of Tommy’s friends tiled the backsplash for us on Saturday. It looks so good and really finishes off the kitchen. I’m grateful for talented relatives and friends.

 

 

On Saturday Tommy and his friends unloaded most of the POD that was housing our belongings and furniture. The side effect of going “open concept” is less wall space to hang a lot of my wall hangings. So I have a lot for sale on Facebook yard sale groups. Yesterday a friend wanted a mirror I had just posted only minutes before. She came and picked it up yesterday and we had a chance to catch up so it was a win win situation, yay!

Unfortunately a lot of my fragile collectibles were broken while in storage. My wedding cake topper was a porcelain statue of Cinderella and the Prince dancing. It was broken beyond repair as well as a couple of other sentimental pieces. I’ve come to the conclusion that they are only “things”. I have pictures and memories with those belongings and I can always scour EBay for replacements if I choose. I’m glad pieces from my mother in law remained intact. My mom thinks the constant change of temperature we had in January played a huge part in the breakage issue. I agree.

Yesterday at church a few of people came over to me to express sympathy for my dad’s passing. I never thought it would be so hard to thank them as it was. I immediately started crying and could barely acknowledge what they were saying. One dear man named Ray said to me at “You only get one father…”that about killed me. I had to stop and get myself together before leaving the church. Samantha was sweet and gave me a hug. Have I mentioned how much I love my church family?

My small group/bible study group meets this week after a 6 week hiatus. I’m looking forward to seeing everyone and the fellowship we have. I’m off from work this week for mid winter break. I still can’t believe that I’m off and I get paid for it. I love the Board of Ed!

 

My house is slowly regaining a sense of normalcy. The kitchen is almost finished; there are light fixtures to be hung and cabinet hardware to be installed. Not too bad I think. The painters have been here since Monday sanding and filling in nail holes and of course painting. It looks so nice, it’s hard to capture the color in a picture. By the time I get home from work it’s later in the day and the light isn’t that good. This week while I’m off will be a great time for updated pictures.

Tommy is even talking about starting to empty the POD of our furniture and other belongings this weekend. I’m excited for that. There are cd’s that I can’t find for the life of me that have to be in that POD. I miss eating at my dining room table. It’s funny what you miss when your house is turned upside down. Yesterday Alyssa said she missed cooking eggs on the stove.

Today one of my dear friends from church is bringing us dinner. I couldn’t say no when she offered, I know what it feels like to want to do something for someone. I really love my church family they’ve been so thoughtful in praying for us during this time of mourning my dad. One of my friends, Sherrie actually had my father’s picture placed on a sterling silver heart. I almost fell over when I opened the package. I adore that gift. I’m still receiving sympathy cards. I’m touched by the number of people who have been thinking about my family.

As for grieving my Dad, that is still in full force and why shouldn’t it be he’s only been gone a matter of weeks. It just hurts that he’s gone. I can’t think of any other way to describe how I feel. Today has been difficult probably because I’m not working. Going back to work has been a Godsend for me. When I first went back on Monday everyone was so, so nice and thoughtful offering their condolences, shaking my hand or offering a hug. I was really touched by their sincerity. People I only interact with once a day knew about my Dad and said how sorry they were.

So I’m off this coming week for mid winter break. It’ll be Samantha and I for most of the week with Lelly in the Netherlands with the foreign exchange program. Hopefully I’ll be able to get the house back together and that will be a nice “normal” to have.

 

I feel like that’s what is happening now. After the wake and after the funeral we must settle into a new normal. A new normal life without my dad. I know I am not unique in feeling this way. I don’t like it. I don’t like it one bit. But I know this is what life is now. There are so many sayings to comfort those that are grieving. That we should hold on to memories, “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened”, I can’t think of more; mostly because those sayings mean nothing to me right now.

So many people have reached out to my family and I during this difficult transition. Meals were sent as well as sympathy and Mass cards, flowers, fruit, texts and phone calls. We appreciate every single gesture.

Today is my first day of my new normal while at work. I am glad to be going to work, I missed the kids I care for and my co workers. I never told anyone at work where or when my dad was being waked or when the funeral was. It wasn’t because I didn’t want them there I simply did not think of it, I could think of little more than my grief. One classroom that I’m always in and out of due to the large number of medically fragile students they have sent me 2 sympathy cards. One card with each child’s name stamped and one card that was signed by all the staff in that room along with heartfelt sentiments.  I was quite touched by that gesture. I’ve only been at this job since this past  October but those cards tell me that I’m family now.

So here’s to a new normal even though I know I’ll be fighting it every step of the way.

Walt, Walter, Big Walt, Dad, Pop, Poppy, Grandpa,or as I always called him even as an adult; Daddy.  I am not saying goodbye forever; this goodbye is temporary until we all meet again in the kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Daddy was a believer in Christ, I know this because I straight out asked him if he believed in Jesus. He answered me, “Yes I do, I do believe” Soon after that conversation he asked me to buy him a cross to wear around his neck. Aside from his wedding ring I’d never seen him wear any jewelry; ever. I was so happy to have pleased him with that gift.

Daddy was an easy person to please. He wasn’t so interested in the material things of this life. He would rather sit and talk to you than anything else. Telling stories of when he was growing up and driving cars before he was legal to drive, his time in the Army at Fort Dix, when he owned his gas station and spent a lot of time with his pal Jimmy Shron and raced cars at Weisglass stadium.  Those are just a few of his favorite topics. He especially got a kick out of his grandchildren. Quoting them or telling stories that he found funny. He proudly told people the number of grandkids he and my mom had: 11 for those of you who don’t know. And he was equally proud of each one, celebrating the unique differences they all have.

Daddy always told you what was on his mind. He didn’t mince words and you knew where he stood and how he felt. I can’t think of one thing I couldn’t talk to daddy about. He was always there to talk, to laugh, to lend support or to simply admire what you were doing in your life. Never failing to let you know when he approved or commiserate with you when things didn’t go as planned.

I’ll especially miss his humor and the sharp wit that he is known for. I’ll miss talking to him on the phone and seeing him at his place on the couch or at the head of the dinner table. I will miss telling him about my life, my house renovation and what my kids are up to.

Daddy I will miss you