I took today off from work because of an appointment. That appointment was cancelled. Since I already have the day off I figured I’d make the most of it and travel to Manhattan for the day. Stopping in the morning see my favorite therapist who I haven’t seen in over 6 months I believe. I haven’t needed to see or talk to her since starting this new job. I fell as though Nancy has given me wings to fly and I’m able to handle various life situations as they come along.

I’m still amazed at how God worked my life out. He placed Nancy in my life years before I would need her for me. In fact God primed the pump by having Nancy call me for information about a year before I needed her. A year after receiving her phone call I called her looking for guidance in dealing with the Board of Ed when we decided Thomas had to go away to residential school. I was already suffering from depression, anxiety and PTSD from living with him and dealing with his aggressive behavior. I was also actively searching for a therapist but none would call me back. Anyway after telling Nancy I needed her help with Thomas she offered to meet me for coffee. I was puzzled and asked her why. She said, “Because you sound like you need a therapist”. God is so good. I started seeing her and continued to see her for the next 3 years. We covered a lot of ground and worked through a lot of issues. She respected my faith (Nancy is Jewish) and would encourage me to pray through situations. I asked her once why she was so supportive of a belief system so different from her own and she answered,”Of course I would support you, I see how important your faith is to you, why would I take that away?” That only increased my respect and admiration for her.

So here we are, a million sessions later ending with us quietly ending our sessions. There was no “closing” session. We left off that I could call her at any time and if I was going to be in the city to let her know and we’d try to get together.

So off I go on this chilly Monday morning in March. I’m on the ferry and then soon to be on the subway. Since I left my job in Manhattan I haven’t been back on the ferry or subway. It funny how something becomes familiar again so fast. I haven’t missed the commute, instead I’ve become spoiled working so close to home. I’m home from work in 30 minutes the longest depending on traffic.

After I see Nancy I’ll haunt my favorite thrift stores in the area. There are 3 🙂 . I’ll make my way home hopefully lugging full bags of my found treasures on the subway.

Happy Monday!

 

 

We had a snow day this past Tuesday and since I had already cleaned out my closet and reconfigured my handbag storage situation this past weekend,  I decided to tackle the basement.

I had originally planned to sell my grandmother’s china since I wasn’t using it and had no future plans to use it, but my cousin expressed that she would love to have it. So that’s now gone thanks to my sister who picked it up for my cousin who lives 4 hrs away in Upstate NY. I’m guessing they will see each other before I will. Either way it’s a win/win situation and everybody is happy.

I’m also other dishes and plates that I’ve held onto merely because I have the storage space. It feels good to do a purge and get rid of things and also find things you had no idea you even have. I think I posted that I “found” an electric carving knife brand new in the box from probably my wedding shower over 20 years ago. I plugged that bad boy in and it runs like  champ! I now have a “new” carving knife that will come in handy during the holidays or when I cook a roast.

I was so surprised at the “stuff” that was put away in my basement. Things that were held on to for no particular reason. There were a lot of clothes and blankets to be donated and a lot of just plain garbage stuff whether it be toys no longer played with since everyone is so much older now or me stowing once sentimental things in a big box for posterity sake.

I think it was George Carlin who said the more storage space you have the more “stuff” you have. He’s right. I’d  love to tackle the attic one day. I know parts of Thomas’ infant bedding is up there along with extra copies of our wedding invitations. I gave my neighbor most if not all of Samantha’s newborn infant clothes when my neighbor was having twin girls. I was thrilled to see someone use her little clothes again. I know I have clothes up there from Thomas. Being the only boy I didn’t have anyone to pass on his clothes to. By the time my sister had her son too much time had passed. And styles do change even with toddler clothes.

The next chance I get I think I will take on the attic. It will be so satisfying to fill garbage bags to either donate or throw away. I get a thrill out of filling a big bag of stuff to get rid of.  Ok now I’m off to donate 2 huge bags to my favorite haunt The Salvation Army !  Happy Saturday !

 

We were supposed to get this horrendous blizzard wth tons of snow. The mayor even closed the schools yesterday before a flake even fell. Since I’m abstracting charts in a health center at one of the local high schools I got a snow day as well 😀.

This past weekend. I cleaned out my closet a bit. Tommy “gave me” his armoire since he doesn’t really use it. J promptly cleared it out and it now houses my handbag collection. I think I counted like 18 or so bags. And before you say anything, YES I use all of them.  I change bags quite often and I know I have a problem… There’s something about bags and shoes, sigh.

Today I’m cleaning out the basement a bit. We have storage closets that seem to get fuller and fuller with each passing year. I have a old set of dishes from when we were married. It’s not a complete set so don’t ask me why it’s still here. I also have my grandmother’s china. I really have no use for it nor do I have a China closet to display it. I’m not sure what to do with this set. We’re having a house sale at my inlaws this weekend so I guess I’ll transport it there and maybe someone will buy it. You never know. I’m also in the middle of dusting and laundry while I’m down there. Fun times I tell you. But in all honesty it’s all good because if it were nice out and I was off from work I sure as anything wouldn’t be down the basement.

I also found boxes from 16 years ago when we moved here. Decorative plates I used to collect, and a carving knife and a coffee percolator. I’m sure the last 2 are over 20 years old. I have no idea why they never made it out of the basement. I also found the most adorable picture of Lelly and Alyssa at my inlaws block party. They must be at least 5 and 2 yrs old. They are standing together eating cotton candy.

Im sure I’ll have to go de-ice my car soon. I’ll enjoy being holed up in the basement a little longer.

 

 

 

I recently splurged on a purchase of new glasses. I usually wear contact lenses since I’m irreparably scarred from the huge I wore while in 5th and sixth grade. I won’t even try to find an embarrassing picture. I’m sure if you are of my age group and were a tween in the early 80’s and you had to wear glasses you know what I mean and are probably as scarred as I’m.

When Tommy and I were away we were shopping at the outlets and I happened upon an eyeglass frame store. They had a table of designer frames at a fraction of the retail price and well… if you know me you know I had to take advantage of this deal. I brought the frame to the place in the mall who did my contact lens exam and had them put my prescription lenses in. I even let them talk me into thinning out the lenses and some anti reflective something for another $50.00.

The glasses were ready last night so Samantha and I ran out there to pick them up. I even wore them around the mall and to the supermarket after. This is huge for me I never and I mean n-e-v-e-r leave the house with my glasses on. It’s always contact lenses. Always.

So here I am ready to face the day with my new glasses. The frame is a bit bold but that’s ok I wanted it that way. I’m tired of getting really small frames that try and hide how thick my prescription is, but the truth is nothing can hide how thick my prescription is so I might as well embrace it.

Here’s to new Glasses!

 

 

We went to the movies last night. It was supposed to be only my husband and I but Alyssa wanted to see the movie also and there went our childcare for Samantha so she came too. It was all good though it was nice to get out all together. Lelly was at a party with her friends. We happened to run into my best friend Jenn while she was on the popcorn line with her guy Gary. Jenn and I seem to always get together spur of the moment or unplanned like last night. It was great to be together.

The movie we saw was The Shack based on the book of the same name. I read the book some years ago and I really liked it. There are some parts that still stick with me especially concerning God’s love for all his children. It makes me think about how much I love my children and that God loves us even more than that. Amazing and hard to wrap my mind around some days.

The movie does a great job of portraying how we need to look to Jesus for what we cannot do on our own. That we must keep our eyes on Him. I find that to be true in my life. When my father in law was ill before he passed away I prayed for him. I prayed for a peaceful passing or for him to return to his former health. Only God knew what was to come. It’s funny because I still remember the last conversation I had with Chick. He was well and we talked about the job I have now. Chick talked about how much he didn’t like living in the nursing home and specific things that stuck out as particularly demeaning to him. Within the next ten days he died. It still seems surreal and I miss him. He’s the first person I was that close to, to have died. I was 14 years old when my grandfather died, 26 years old when my grandmother died and those deaths didn’t impact me the way Chicks death did.

I didn’t have the relationship I have now with the Lord. I knew my grandparents were going to heaven just as I know Chick went to be with the Lord in heaven. When my grandparents passsed they seemed to go so far away from us. When Chick passed it felt like he simply went to a place we couldn’t go yet, but it wasn’t far away. That he wasn’t far from us. I still feel that way about him.

I remember feeling so loved by God at that time and that His arms were around me and I was loved, so very loved. It’s an amazing feeling that I wish upon all. I truly felt like I was resting in the arms of Jesus. Knowing God isn’t so far away and knowing that all who passed before us are with Him is a comfort and helps ease the pain of them not being here with us.

 

Ah yes Saturday nice and early in the morning I get up. Not that I have much of a choice of sleeping late with our (big) puppy, Lola barking to either go out or that she wants to eat. I do get to sleep later than I wake up for work so it’s still a win situation in my eyes.

As I’ve posted before I do enjoy getting up early and enjoying the quiet of the house. I also enjoy getting dressed after coffee and breakfast so that I’m ready to go when the thrift store opens. Today I had to make a detour at the bank to pick up needed documents. With that errand completed Lelly and I were off! To the thrift!

Today I found two designer blouses (Isabel Marant and Celine) I almost squealed in the store. Lelly didn’t know who they were so I told her to google. That’s the best thing about smart phones you can google anything anywhere. And I google a lot while thrifting.

I also scored a pair of Frye boots for 10.00. They are in nice shape and not at all beat up. It’s funny as last night in Macy’s I was looking at shoes by Frye and they were over $200.00. Nope.

Lelly scored a couple of Madewell tops one was so pretty. I tried to talk her into a beautiful dress by Tracy Reese but she refused saying she didn’t have anywhere to wear it. If it were my size I’d have worn it to Shoprite, haha!

I get such a thrill out of thrifting you seriously never know what you’ll find it’s like a treasure hunt and I love the hunt! It’s not for everyone. I have some friends who won’t even shop at TJ Maxx as they don’t like to look through the racks hat they don’t have the patience. And that’s ok there’s nothing wrong with not liking TJ’s or the thrift store.

I’m in my “happy place” when I’m at the thrift. When I’m in the store I can take a break from the usual and not so usual worries of life. I think everyone should have a happy place. A place to escape that doesn’t leave you unattainable (trust me I still get phone calls and texts when I’m at the thrift) but also makes you forget about things for a little while anyway.

So there’s my totally enjoyable Saturday morning shared with my Lelly which made it even sweeter. Here’s to next Saturday!

 

 

 

My husband and I had a great time away; alone. It was nice to just be with him I really do enjoy his company. There are no walls, no airs put on. I can honestly say that he is my best friend. He doesn’t always understand things about me mainly my handbag and shoe obsession but he tries and is quite tolerant of the amount of both categories I actually own. And I’m proud to say that we went outlet shopping and I didn’t purchase one bag or one pair of shoes 😁. I resisted all the temptation around me. What I did buy was designer/discounted eyeglass frames and Kate Spade earrings, oh and 2 bands for one of my wrist watches. There were so many stores I wish I could have gone into but my husband doesn’t come on vacation to shop as I was told and I had to respect that. Plus paying retail for clothing is not something I do often as I prefer the thrill of the hunt at the thrift or TJ Maxx.

We will arrive home to our girls who we’ve missed and they missed us. I think the dogs missed us too. Lola the (big) puppy apparently was a “lunatic” during the time we were gone and Lelly told me that I “keep the house in check”. That made me feel appreciated.

I loved our time here in a southern state. We were able to visit family and say congratulations for new homes and just have some needed time with them. My sister in law cooked a mean chicken with rice and beans and my brother in law was his usual warm, loving self. It rarely feels like time has passed when I see my brother in law that lives here. We just pick up where we left off and that’s a great feeling.

Tommy and I also were able to visit my family; my uncle and my cousin and his wife. Their hospitality was so warm and welcoming and their kids were great. They live on 6 acres, which to us is immense property. And they have goats and chickens, that was totally cool. My cousin showed us this ultimate in coolness “mancave” that he built. We really enjoyed  our visit and I’m glad we were able to get together.

We’re waiting to board the plane. Who knew so many people fly this early in the morning! Tommy and I are having our seats assigned at the gate. I’m going to see if we can get upgraded, can’t hurt to ask right?

My husband and I quickly planned an impromptu trip to one of the southern states. Without kids. We’re pretty fortunate that we have awesome people in our lives who help us out to make this happen. My Mom and Dad agreed to take Samantha our youngest for half the time the other half the time she’ll be with good friends of ours who have a son that may as well be Samantha’s older brother

I’m excited to get away. I do miss my kids though. I like spending time with them especially the ages all of them are now. Each have their own personality, can hold an interesting conversation. They love and respect the Lord and go to church with me. I don’t think I can ask for more. And I know I’m biased but they are beautiful inside and out. We have honest talks about parties, school, etc…they’re cool 😎.

Getting away just the two of us is nice I won’t lie. After all those years of raising small kids it’s great to spend one on one time with the person you married. The person you exchanged those incredible marriage vows with. The person you fell in love with all those years ago. It seems like another lifetime that you even dated each other and had the time to spend with just that one person.

Spending time alone with my husband, even if it’s a trip to Home Depot is nice. I like my husband, he’s an incredibly hard worker,he makes me laugh and he thinks I’m beautiful and he’s very understanding. I don’t think I could ask for more. We’ve known each other since we were 15 years old.  I’ve blogged about how we met but I’ll tell the story again. My bff at the time was dating a guy who was in the same rock band as Tommy. We went to meet bff’s boyfriend and there was Tommy, sitting on the steps of this little corner store burning off his shoelaces so he could put new shoelaces in his sneakers. I asked him if he always burned off his shoelaces and Tommy looked up at me. The next thing I knew I was staring into his green eyes and I was stunned for a moment. Wow, who was this guy?

When Tommy started attending the same high school as me, I had already dyed my hair to a light blonde. He met me as a dark almost brown/blonde. It took his best friend at the time to point out who I was. We became fast friends and stayed that way until we were 17 or so. Tommy says I kissed him first. I’m thinking he’s right because I do remember him being shy and neither of us wanted to become “boyfriend/girlfriend” and risk ruining our friendship in case it didn’t work out.

25 plus years later it worked out alright.

 

 

 

I’ve not kept it a secret that I take medication to treat depression. I’ve also not kept it a secret that I’ve gained a fair amount of weight due to said medication. I’ve tried to accept it, that gaining weight is simply a side effect that can’t be avoided. I’ve tried to accept the way I look now, as that’s just the way things are. But it’s not easy. I’ve spoken to my doctor many times about the weight gain and he answers that it’s essentially a side effect of most antidepressants so he doesn’t encourage changing mess. I am petrified to change meds anyway or alter my current regime because it took so long to achieve this winning combination that has beat down the depression. For so long it seemed the depression was “winning”. I’m happy that now I can laugh again and have fun with my kids instead of simply existing on a good day.

I remind myself of my grandmother at my age. She was not overweight but a healthy weight. There were some years she loomed heavier than others. She was happily married, stayed at home, and raised my mom and my aunt. After my grandfather passed away in my teen years my grandmother lost at least 30 pounds. She was depressed due to her loss and she only ate enough to survive. She lived on coffee with half and half, a bowl of cheerios, Twix bars and mallomars. My Mom had her over for dinner every Sunday and would send her home with food and my grandmother would make that last all week for her dinner.

When I was a depressed, anxious mess I didn’t eat much and was very thin and that is how I judge my personal sense of beauty. That magic number on the scale that right now seems impossibly unattainable. My husband reminds me that I wasn’t happy when I was thin, as that is when I was suffering from anxiety and depression. He’s wonderful and tells me I’m beautiful now. And always tells me I look “nice” even when I don’t feel like I do.

The meds not only make you eat more they change your metabolism so you’re double whammy’d. And I think of my grandmother. At the happiest time in her life she had “meat on her bones”. At the worst time of her life, living without her husband, she was so very thin. I want a happy medium.

Fwiw I’m not looking for weight loss advice or fishing for comments on how I look today. I’m venting about a situation in my life that frustrates the snot out of me. And I’m not saying if you’re thin you must be depressed. I’m seeing parallels that I have witnessed first hand in my own family. There’s my disclaimer:  your mileage may vary.

 

I recently noticed an old friend who I haven’t spoken to in 20 years posted on the status of a current friend on Facebook. I thought about that person for a while. Remembered our friendship and then remembered why we aren’t friends anymore. It’s nothing scandalous our lives weren’t the same and we had different points of views. I was “broken up” with by this person at that time. At first I was stunned and hurt but time heals and you begin to see things in a different light. Actually it was my husband who showed me the different light. He has a remarkable gift for viewing situations in a way that you don’t see them at first.

I think about my friends and family  who have been there for me these past 20 years through thick and thin, who lives 15 minutes away and who lives 10 hours away. The phone calls, the visits and the unconditional love I’ve been fortunate to receive. If that person couldn’t stand the heat 20 years ago what makes one think they could have been there for me through the thick and thin of the future. I had no clue what the future would hold for my family and I concerning Thomas. I’m thankful for those that stuck around and even more so for those who had the courage to enter my life when shit got real. When Thomas was hospitalized and we had to make the incredible decision to have him attend residential school for the first time at the young age of 8 years old.

Maybe he/she would’ve been a rock to me. Maybe not. It’s true that in life you find out who is really there for you when things get tough no matter what the situation. You really *know* who has your back when things are unbearable. At the time I was let go as a friend Tommy and I were barely touching the tip of the iceberg with Thomas and his disabilities/late abilities.

I’m glad I have the friends and family currently in my life.  I never felt like there was an unfillable gap or hole left by this person. Instead he/she probably opened the door for someone else to come in. God puts people in and out of our lives for a reason and for a season. I guess my season with that person had come to an end and today after all is said and done I can’t imagine my life with that person in it especially after all the ups and downs. I love my present circle of support.  Each and every person in it has a reason for being there and  I couldn’t imagine it any other way.